first, cant you hear the voices in my head?

cant you hear the voices in my head?

when i repeat what i hear you look astonished but they make the melody they make streaming thru my mind can be so loud.
how can two hearts be so close be so far apart~how can the plug fit into the outlet on the wall and then suddenly reshape itself enough to make itself not even close.

my mind is full is full of...the anticipation of the other shoe dropping. am i depressed because i want to cry to mourn the loss of my life, missed time, missed relationships.

the anxiety seems to have transformed into frustration and agitation. i dont understand anything about love~ i never have and certain that i never will because i am 52.5 years old.   i cant read him or if i can he colors my words with shades of fault...  

if i could share a piece of being me with him it would be the way my heart and mind completely strangle on themselves when he gets that very hard arrogant face and verbally punches me unexpectedly.  the costume he can instantly adorn is one of lovelessness. 

blood stops where ever it is and chills. breath must still come in but i am not conscious of inhale nor the exhale. 
then the voices begin ... and they start with a whisper of confidence. "it's ok, you need to stay calm and breath and answer" i can tell that confidence is walking backward looking into my mind. it too will fall behind a wall as soon as his next punch comes.

because i deserve nothing more than that.  whispers get very loud in my head reminding me quickly of all the reasons i should believe i am not loved by him or anyone. i have never met the expectations that i thought they are looking for. 

i lashed out him 2 nights ago.  again it was caused from my own "reality".  i was feeling pretty connected emotionally.  the sense that something was on his mind was there and it showed in body language.  i kept the voices quiet as possible until i walked in only to find the microwave "lightening" from with in and he is smiling and pulls out a dvd, and says that is what dan said it would do.  it freaked me out...sort of like when a child gets lost in a store, i was glad he was ok but....and to top it off he tells me he had told his friend he would do it with out telling me.  i hate that.   that is not what i want in a marriage.  what else will you do and not tell me? then the voices SCREAM ~"he will do lots because youre not worth  the effort to share with. you anger too easily, you cling too much, you're not very smart, and you're too easy to lie to."

Bout to get a grip on it!

words have wandered and blown thru my head like leaves tossed about on a fall day.  now it seems that settling came about and there is a very good reason for this space i call my own...

update!

dear friends!
I had had enough and even dear husband agreed...my last day of work was Jan. 14, 2010!
Thanks be to GOD!

now, as my money trinkles out of my account...our two very very old furnaces died on Saturday evening.  The two heating and air guys both said we were lucky the house hasnt burnt down...and we know that.  SO we will be purchasing new furnaces that are so eco friendly that our government is gonna give us a check back for purchasing them!

I havent felt creative at all lately. Actually I have felt mostly FROZEN! K+LOL, but think of you all often so when I see these little notes from you it is affirming that yall are still out there.   Missing you all and feeling a tad unappreciated was enough for me to cocoon up with wii and facebook.  actually causing more drying of brain waves

Guess the challenge will be to make a day in the life of an unemployed, under needed mother and renewing wife a bit interesting enough to share!....
Sooo tonight instead of farming on facebook, I will renew my blog looks for 2010 and start sharing.