Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Anger today

today has been a very frustrating day...not really sure why but the readings this morning dealt with sharing kindness, and patience and perseverance. It was bound to be a day of challenge- personal challenge.
This picture we took on our trip at Brasstown Mountain and it looks out toward Blood Mtn and Laurel Wolf Mountain- we explored those and on either side together. Look how beautiful it looks. you can not see the stumbles, the inclines, the lack of water, the bees, not even the beauty that peeks between the brush.

Wednesday started with frustration of being very slow at work, and working in a room where I have NO one to talk to. It is very hard to stay busy when there is nothing for me to do. It got a tad worse when I talked to our 19 yo daughter and she talks down to me. And actually shows very little interest in anything that doesnt have to do with her. She is 19 what do I expect. but it left me sad. Then when I was told to call a dentist and tell them the jobs would be there at 7 am thursday and I got a stern talking to from the lady on how we are always delivering on the day of seating...NOT TRUE but she only remembers the times that we are late not the 100+ that we have delivered on time. It made me want to cry ...I called Bobby but he didnt answer. Got strong on my own and carried on. Then when I got home from dropping off the 15 yo at dance bobby is laying on the couch with an earache and informs me that they have also given him codene for pain... DRUGS I am so damn tired of drugs and addicts and drunks... well it frustrated me. I thought we were on the same page and I guess like that view you see between the limbs now we are going to have to walk a while to find the gorgeous spots again...

We camp out again on the 31st- will be cold. It will be a short trip- Not sure what I was expecting my life to be like since it is life.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Harmony with Self...


Harmony with self? Finding the holes and filling them with substance. Sometimes it feels as if no one pays attention to my needs even when I voice them. Then how do you fill that? I speak a little louder or I declutter a space so that I can see a bit clearer and state it more simply.
Why does it bother me that a couple of my kids keep me a specific distance from their lives? I worry that there must be a reason, there must be an activity that they know is not good. It is good that I can step onto a trail if only for a moment of memory to recall the simplicity that is so calming to my heart. There is such a clearness in my perspective with each step on the trail. Placing the foot on the right spot to retain balance or looking out to the view for a breath of beauty.
It seems the only place that I am really at peace is out there, with Bobby and the good earth. Hearing the very subtle tingling of my wind chimes and knowing that he is behind me.

I had a phone call from RC Womens Section, and I quote "Jennifer we have not forgotten you". And all I want to do is ignore it and tell them they may not take up one second of my weekend because that is my trail time. I have NO time during the week either because I use my free time to shape up and clean up for outdoors. Yet my heart yearns for that deep spiritual food that RC offers. Please Lord, help me feel up with your grace.

Wonder if Russell just called to talk? Wasnt that about the nicest conversation we have had in a while...or was he preparing me for something. I never seem to be able to just appreciate them...always a bit suspect of their gentleness.

Ok ....today was very cold when I woke up and it was only 68 in the house...I have got to really search for warm clothing for our camping trip.
When I feel the anxiety or the negativity coming on I just cross the bridge from me to the trails, and I am glad I have pics to help me and a place to yap