Girls! 8.30.09 Nashville

Girls! 8.30.09 Nashville
Originally uploaded by krze24

Wow the weekend was great fun, sooo many silly silly laughs. Everyone KNEW we were family except that blonde princess, It is a constant puzzle where here REAL parents are ~~;oD

Life is always brighter for time spent with these very very different women and remind me that we are from a long line of strong, courageous, creative, intelligent, wonderful women.

Margarita beach side

Margarita beach side
Originally uploaded by krze24

Here is to pondering almost friday ... I will hit the road today for some girl time.

Lots of very silly ladies releasing natural laughter buzzes

All on diets of one kind or another so there wont be any margaritas.

Just about 6 weeks ago this was sitting on the table in front of me ~ AHHHHHH

(hopefully "ahhhh" counts as a word, and glad today is MY friday 55!)

My own retro!

family portrait
Originally uploaded by krze24

My favorite drawing of our family. The artist is our youngest, now 16 (soon to be 17) I am glad I framed it and know exactly where it is cause I have some art work done by the other three that ABSOLUTELY LOVED ~ but can not find it!

I have to get ready for work, and will have this picture in my heart all day, I think she has her dad and I on center Hill with her and her sister, not sure why she put the big brothers on the out side Hills.
Maybe in her eyes she sees them as extras because of the age difference between her and them...look how bright and happy the sun is, wonder what that thing is over our heads LOL,
She even put the straggle of hair always falling in her sister's eyes LOL, captured the anxiety of her big brother on the far left (blonde), and the simple joy her other brother has about every thing and every day!
Our hill looks like it needs a shave ~ yep this will make my day good!,
thanks Queen ballerina!

bloggeans!

ha! Here is to the collection of Bloggeans! (those under the blogland flag). The last couple of days things have been going on in my head, sometimes I let others know about the activity captured under my skull, but the Bloggeans, well they may know another side of me that is only just developing! Saying that it has been incubating for a while, well years lets say!

I was trying to share a story or two or a laugh or two with my family and the only "group" title i could come up with was..."blogland friend". Later this evening, as I cut up squash, boiled tiny bowtie pasta taking pictures as I went along to imitate one of my fav Bloggean The Pioneer Woman the new adjective for all bloggers (@least that I know) can be Bloggean. The photos, and REAL WOMAN kinda story will follow later!

So another Bloggean that I have been following, well he is a stay at home dad and he and his boys have a wonderful time just about every day...ok, maybe it is just the dad having fun every day. His name, Captain Dumbass, and ship of words, and wonderfully funny pictures... can be found here.

The Captain pointed out that he cant find a "comment" link! and I have tried and tried to fix it, so if anyone can help me plz! DO email me a note. Or if you see that I do have a Comment box well let me know that too! LOL

Another Bloggean that I follow, is a wonderful gentleman that is not crazy about the present administration and its continued spending, health care, or its own growth! and well he does my spirit good as well!

This guy is SO creative he runs more than one blog (still haven't decided why I would have to do that myself) but one is strictly stories and the other is current on his mind stuff

Our House ~ monday musings

Wow now today i have a purpose to the madness on my blog! And I dont want to be rushed because there are a few things on my mind this monday...

* first things first~ my coffee.

* the thrill of finding a like-minded (I heart this) blog.

* music on the ipod on my blog

* time (I always seem to be so reflective of time)

* its mOnDaY and we know what that means!

so as I go off to model and teeth making I am going to have a path to ponder...and return. But please friends check out this idea, and help me get ready for tuneful tuesday (how do we get those buttons)

Apricot And Lavender Brown Butter Tea Cakes

Apricot And Lavender Brown Butter Tea Cakes

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music lyrics hold so much truth

"But I’m thankful for the things I have, And all the things I don’t. And I’ve got dreams that will come true, I’ve got some that won’t." Chris Knight

Both of our sons find some really good music, and it really is a collage of music. But some of it just really appeals to me because the words just scream of something real and applicable to life. Russell, most of his music is raw and unpredictable, accoustic, redneck. At least the ones he passes on to me. Chris Knight has lots of songs that really are pretty good themes for any young man's life!

One Saturday Russell called and invited his dad and I to go see CK play in a local tavern. I NEVER SAY NO TO ANY MOMENT WITH ANY OF MY GROWN KIDS...So we went! This was probably the first time I ever felt like he was not embarressed of us as his parents. He let me know there was a song coming that I had to dance with him to...And after a few shots, well he had the courage, the smile, the insistance that I get up and dance to :

"It Aint easy being me"..

Why do I do the things I do

Was I born this way am I a self made fool,

I shoot the lights and curse the dark

He was the one that has pushed the envelope, tested himself in some extreme situations, fallen very hard a couple times. What would have pushed so many (ok at least me) to the bottom to stay!

Some where he found the self respect?, drive?... He show ed courage.

He knows himself so well and knows even better what he wants out of life. There is not a day that I have ever asked him about his day that he has complained about ANYTHING. He simply enjoys each moment of life (sometimes in a very very selfish way)

So many times he has broken my heart as a post 24 yo LOL, and he knows it. But he ends up amazing me with his ability to recover...That is a gift.

He will make a good father, That I do know, but even he says he is too selfish to be married, at least here at this point of life. But I cant help but believe his heart was broken after college, and he moves thru time now not letting things / people get too close.

Now I love this boy of mine, he has taught me ALOT in his 27 years. But we both know he should come with a label : Warning ... will self destruct if desired! So for him to take my hand and insist on taking me, his mom and not his pretty little blonde date, out onto the floor...well it was a healing point of life for me and I hope for him.

It was a way of saying, sorry, I love you and I dont know why I do the things I do...

Silly disappointment...

Ok this morning, well I noticed I have lost a follower. Damn, was it something I said? Was it my Oblabla count down...am I just boring LOL

This trail is real and its real close, and often it whispers my name and puts me in a trance..."boots, put on your boots.." Something about stepping on to that surface with a friend, surrounded by the quiet noise of the wood, rock, dirt, hiding wild life; it just makes you so attuned to the present. Out in daily life it is so easy to get caught in the drama or the monotony of the day...take a moment and breath deeply and really think about the trail you're headed on and the best next step you must take to get there

Look I am trying to work on my creativity you know stimulating the old brain cells cause there has to be a way for me to R*O*C*K thru the next state of life.

help?

ok, I have spent way too much time here today, almost completely lost my blog! all I wanted to do was add a signature, but nope not tonight,

if anyone knows how plz let me know

time wasted? who knows

I have been on the computer for the last zillion hours learning how to create this: taaadum! my signature, and I think I know how to use it every time too. Impressed?

Well it may need tweaking, as my blog still needs one more column (Look I just gotta have 3 columns ok! ;oD)

Also my Tuesday Tunes or Tunes for Tuesday, gotta come up with a label and a title and a way to get the word out that there is another week day option!
We could have themed tuned Tuesdays! or simply Tuesday 2~a Tune

Look I sit at work no let me rephrase that...I stand in a plaster room for 5 hours. Occasionally the phone rings but usually quiet (no that is not good)
I clean the impressions, mix and pour plaster and let them set, then trim and arch them, then pin/base them and right your names on them...send them out to boss man to section them and get them ready to put crowns on them.

In short well I spend a lot of time alone thinking and I think of the blog land and blog people the blog world actually! Do I want to stay in Blogger Universe or take a trip out to test lesser known ones. I like this one it is a great learning blog with some great minds out in its space ;o)

Best accomplish something else for the day..tata for now!

tUeSdAy's tItlE DaY

How about Song Title Tuesdays! I would love to be the starter of that!
guess I need a little button and a way to spread the word!

Lets see we could write a song for the day,
we could write a story using only song titles
hmmm
think I like the theme idea...anybody have an opinion?

I got a note today that said some folks were having trouble leaving comments and or following. I adjusted one thing on my comments and I don't know what to do about the following ... just keep coaching me thru

oh gotta song that truely started my day with a great tap of foot and humming! Have 2 hours to wait for daughter today ...will update this post then!
till then enjoy...Rusty Old American Dream~Pat Green

table top reflection

This tabletop at The Red Bar in Grayton Beach Florida well it often just represents the kind of chaotic fun that I enjoy. Corona sipping, lots of music, and people mingling. Our family makes at least one trip to this place a year and every year I think its gonna be fun like I imagine. The atmosphere is funky and original and the food is always good. But we go at lunch and there is always tension because of my husband or my sister. Neither appreciate the price, or the funk, thus we go at lunch time so there is no exciting music or people.

We did get to go to our first couples baby shower. It was very very nicely done and it included folks we have known for well over 21 years! The best thing was the lime and corona though~ most ladies would have wine at their party, but, well, I am a beer drinker. OMG it was true Georgia HOT and humid weather. So three coronas and some barbeque and it was time to leave and go to the grocery! LOL

The great grandmothers were there. So healthy for 80+ and still driving, wearing makeup! But it was funny to be a mid-generational adult there. The youngest were our children's CHILDREN! (Not mine because none of mine are married yet~they are not thru being children themselves yet) It just amazed me to see our children watching over their own children, discussing issues we had discussed when they were that age, The plans and dreams and expectations all being repeated! and I could only think in all of this that they have NO idea what they are really going to get from their children. But then I would look over at the great grandmas and wonder if they were thinking the same thing about us!

Life is sort of a circle but there are so many lines of color thrown in to make the lives looks so different than we wouldve made them if all our lives went accordingly as we planned them. So looking at the table top from the red bar just reminded me of life and brightly colored it truly is if we can but stand back and look . That every single one of us has our on funky style and it usually makes us smile.

oh me on the web too much but..

I founded a group HAHA that sounds really funny to me!

Any way it is for women (sorry guys, you have your place in the world but not this tiny space)

Entering a new state of life, sharing wisdom of the road you have or will travel, the bumps, the scraps; oh but the COURAGE that led to the "OH YEEA!"

Named ~ "what now"

So if you would like to check it out!

(warning: this group could metamorph into another type without notice)

Friday 55?

I love this picture.

I knew it would be a favorite of mine when I sat in my beach chair and took it.

So much noise around it of children squealing , radios playing music that wasn't bad but not my favorite.

Family greased up and laying near one another with their head phones on!

my first Flash Fiction Friday 55

Now, that was exciting

Yesterday while at work our youngest daughter called me and said, "mom, is there suppose to be anyone in our house?" She had been away from the house for a bit more than an hour and on her return found a car and people in the house.

With 4 kids it is possible to have a guest that not every one is aware of. But no not this afternoon ~ "No, no one should be there."

"well, there is, and I heard them talking up stairs, and stuff is all over the kitchen floor. I think I need to call the police."

So she called the police and I flew home (which is rather difficult in our 5:00pm traffic). Sibling got her news and they all flew to the house. Her older sister called and said, "Mom, the police are here and they have their guns out and they are going into the house!"

I got there just after that, and the police had handcuffed the ladies and had them at the back of their car.

There were five police cars and one detective and numerous neighbors. After about an hour it was confirmed ~ we HAD been cleaned! Yep, these poor ladies were from a cleaning company and simply had gotten the wrong house. And we got clean bathrooms, clean floors, cleaned bedrooms (OMG they were so dirty too)

When they confirmed the ladies story, I went over to the ladies and told them I knew they had been frighted and I hoped they understood they totally freaked out my daughter ~ they agreed seeing the 3 police officers with guns and one with a tazer HAD freaked them out. They apologized and said , it was just an honest mistake.

Well after seeing how nice my house looked oh, well I am thinking about calling the company and see if those same ladies can come back! LOL ~

It was very nice to find out how much the neighbors knew about the activities at my house and had been watching the car and the people while my daughter was gone away from the house. They knew what time the car came. It was VERY good to find out how quickly the police got here and how well they responded to my 16 yo phone call and told her she did the right thing, actually said she could call any time she sees a strange car in the neighborhood.

Ahhh is it Friday yet?

Grati-TUESDAY~ CHALLENGE

Hey this morning I got up and flipped thru all the blogs I like to follow. Stirring the brain cells to make my tuesday better than my monday.

I have been on a pissed off mode for a couple days and it is time to switch gears.

Gonna pick a shell out of my "happy birthday to me" collection and find some things that I am grateful for in my day ~ my life. ( I like it when Mary Poppins lives in my head!)

Back later with the list!

*********evening*****

Eww wee This might take a humpday gratitude too! I did have a couple but the longer I stay awake the less I am finding...

Samples of my earlier gratitudes:

* have employement ~ it is cut in half but I do still get a paycheck.

* lost 40 pounds in the past year ~ few notice and I am not sure it that is good or bad but for today I will assume good ;o)

* the family of 7 that we thought might visit changed their minds and will be back labor day weekend OMG thank you!

* sisters are great; one is very strange but every family has to have one of those.

* love living in Georgia!

* my kids are doing things I never ever dreamed possible ~ and making me a little bit jealous.

* a dear dear friend, a real true friend.

* healthy, and wisdom is getting more and more tuned!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please feel free to share yours too, and I hope mine get better. Right now I am getting pissy again cause dh is not talking to me and when he does it, "hmm" or mhhhmmhh.

"OMMMM"

monday bla

It is so hot and I am frustrated with blogging and its monday and I ate too much icecream and feel uck! Actually the whole world is getting on my last nerve so it must be my attitude not the world.

but i wonder...will i ever have followers on this blog? will I ever find a job i want, will I ever be able to write the way I want to?

This post needs a little pick me up...remembering mid june weekend hike in Woody Gap. It would be fun to put together all the shots of my foot in different places....

4% For Freedom

Please Americans...it only makes sense

Four Percent For Freedom

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ipods..kids ... kittens

Yesterday we had 3 of our kids over for dinner and after being out of town and dealing with my blog addiction there was plenty of house work to do. Dreading it as always I put it off as long as I could. The ipod my son had given me was still in my bag from the beach trip ... and I thought, "hmm maybe a little music would be a good idea. "

It made it so MUCH nicer that I really got into cleaning. Led Zeppelin was my best mover. The blinds in my kitchen had not been dusted in oh 6 years (remember I don't like this house). The blinds sparkle, the cobwebs are gone the floor is beautiful. I even cleaned most of the cabinet doors with Murphy Oil.

Wonder if I will get paid for advertising that product...need to check into this paid for advertising stuff. Right after I figure out how to tweak my blog a bit.

I felt so accomplished for accomplishing such a big task in the nick of time. After a nice dinner of rib eye steaks and potatoes and lots of laughter we found ourselves in the kitchen, as always. This time it was ok with me because I knew it was clean and fresh smelling. The only thing that I still had to deal with was a litter box hiding in the corner. But even it was cleaned and turned with the door to the back and a huge plant close to it so that it was virtually unnoticed.

Then the new kitten went in there. And OMG you would've thought he had saved it all for that moment when I had family and their guests in my kitchen. He sent them all running and screaming, "Mom why don't you put that litter box some place else, any place else?"

I was a bit humiliated, and rightfully so. After they had left the room I went to scoop out the stinky and it was this tiny little poo. How could that kitten leave such a tiny prize that sent all 8 of my dinner companions running!

It was nice to have the kids home for dinner. Actually it really doesn't take much to make this momma happy. Rock 'n roll from her era blasting in her ear or dinner with her kids!

First step ~ admitting I have a problem

Ok, I think I have a blogging problem! Yesterday when I got home the first thing I HAD to do was respond to a couple of folks calling me an idiot because I disagree on obamacare. Gathering up all the source of information and wording it calmly well it took me a couple or three tries to formulate my words. But I am done with it.

Then I had thought about this blogging thing at work and came up with some ideas for mine. First off I want 3 columns, then need tabs, and I want to grow my audience. Each tab will be a song that is dear to me and I want each page the tab holds to have a music box that plays the song.

At any rate I was up until 11:30pm and then up again at 5 to sit here and share again. All, ok maybe 3 outta 4, of my kids are going to be here for dinner tonight. That is a good thing! My house needs to be cleaned or they may never come again ~ that is bad really bad. I always thought it was them that messed it up. So this afternoon I will have to fight the desire to get on the lap top and use my paint program to fix the picture at the top. Those desires only lead me even deeper into the canyons of the blogland.

Still dont know what happened to my "followers" and the little box they were in. hmmmm. My body seems to be taking the shape of the couch I sit on and that is not good. I want to spend too much time here. One of my tabs will be a support group that wont let go of their lap tops! The good thing is at least this winter I wont be bored! Big maybe but not bored.

did I hear free food? from TX

Oh yippy yiahhh! (the following must be read with not a southern accent like my Gawga one but with a real BIG Texan accent like from "Dallas")

I follow the "screwed up texan" blog lady and she has got some great stories with heroic history behind her! So even before this give away she deserved a tip of the ten gallon hat!

I had the opportunity to be a Texan for 2 years and while at first I cried for trees and shade and rain, well it just sorta grew on me. Now it is like a trophy those two years! Would've called it home if we didn't have two young adult children (oxymoron?) back in Gawga.

The give away comes from Texas Treats and is brought to us from the "screwed up" gal, Allie van Wagoner.

So check her blog and the give away out! and If I get the basket, Hell-a- yea I will share it!

Tips for New Bloggers: Three Columns Thisaway Template (II)

Tips for New Bloggers: Three Columns Thisaway Template (II)

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ahaha OMG I wannascream

ok, here I was so excited, I had three columns, and just had to play with the EDITING and lost my followers and have some thing I have NO idea what is used for at the bottom of my page!!!

;o(

I want my followers and their pics back!! I want my three columns back!! and I wanted a cute "comment" saying and box, I wanted to separate the blogs I follow into groups!

Looks like a long nite on the lap top...Any body have any ideas, and could my new friends plz follow me again ;o(

Personal "Retro Wednesday"

So many creative folks out in the land of blog. Plenty of support for those looking for recovery or for those surviving someone else's issues! It would be wonderful if I knew of away to link or call them all up with one word.

Makes me wonder if there is more addiction or more awareness. I feel there is more addiction. It hits younger and harder and most families are made of survivors that never learned or admitted they were co dependant.

I was the one that never admitted. The day I married and moved 1500 miles from family was both the best day and the most difficult day. I left my support system! but I wanted to do that, right?

Being the youngest of three daughters, and raised by a single mom, I thought the "magic" was the mother/father team. Which is sort of funny because I didn't really contemplate who I was marrying and we NEVER discussed anything, NOTHING, except the work we were both involved in. Often my niece was a topic because she lived with us at the time. Or maybe which drive in movie after I got off my shift at the private mental health hospital. (Again, I was going to save the world)

My husband started asking me out after the 4th of July , 1978. Fortunately we had grown up two houses apart since forever but I always had seen him as untouchable. He was very smart, very handsome, very weird LOL, very much from a "normal" family. Even at his 22nd birthday in August I had no idea he was thinking of asking me to marry him. So some where between August 23 and September 1 he asked. We were married September 16, 1978.

Do you know how I chose that date? I thought about my family and his required start date in his new profession. The entire thing was really going to upset my mother who would be left alone when I left. So the date had to be workable for me to calm her AFTER the wedding as well.

The only thing I truly fought for in those weeks were the words in our wedding vows. Yes, we wrote them ourselves, and they were all windows of leaving if need to. Themed in friendship, I mean lets face it we were more friends that met in late nights as lovers. The words were to encourage us to be the best we could be for each other and included a default of sorts. When we realized we were no longer the best of friend for the other it would be best for us to let go than to tear each other down and destroy who we were meant to be.

As a mother of two sons, I know that his family had to wonder what he had gotten into. I had to have this clause because I knew there was NO way a couple could stay together a life time without destroying the other...I knew this for obvious reasons but also knew I was different, I was not "normal" in the social norms. My life was to be torn up if I didn't protect myself.

Such was the beginning of a couple that started 31 years ago this September! We have four children. So far the three oldest have really pushed themselves into the realm of addiction. THANKFULLY, they seemed to have returned to a road filled with goals for their lives now. But one thing I have always always reminded them is what their own gene pool has already been imprinted with!!! Addiction! Thus started my road of co dependency as an adult.

Awareness of what is to come...

August - now comes the slow long shadows of the end of summer. Like so many times of life when we know what to expect it helps us to get prepared for the changes about to happen in our lives.

~school~ I mean I have been out of school for a very long time and I still love 3:00!, I still get excited for Friday! and I still LOVE when school is over for the summer.

There will be those people that will try to convince me that they are looking forward to the cooler weather, or looking forward to a little routine in their lives again. I think they are doing their best to accept the future they KNOW is coming. What do we do about the events in our lives that we don't know what to expect and we KNOW are coming?

My most dreaded moments through most of my sons teenage - young adult, ok hell, presently; phone calls. The phone often seemed to ring differently and my "mother gut" would tell me something was about to happen and it could be bad, real bad. Voices of police, friends, or even their own, to tell us there was trouble. It started to really mess with my psyche and pulled up familiar emotions.

Some how in my grandest imagination as a young mother I thought I could steer the kids way far away from behavior that was destructive to themselves and others. I had not lived at home for a very long time and yet the protective gear was readily available as our sons began to bring in the things that I had worked to avoid.

Materialism, sure I wanted them to be happy with life no matter their economic state. Some how I wanted to press upon them that doing what brought them "reason" was more important than money. Charitable, who doesn't want a child of theirs to be gentle hearted but safe. I even expected the drinking but wanted to press upon them the dangers, the limits, the complete and total truth that addiction was inherited, and they had a very very full gene pool of addicts.

So looking for my niche of wisdom, I found over the past summer that my experience as a child of addiction and the parent of addiction, that my acceptance of my own experience could be shared with others. I realized how many deal with addiction of loved ones and they believe they are lost not the addict! and that they do end up so lost and broken hearted.

My next few reflections~unless of course there is reason to turn the course~ will be on this. Survival for the self. Because just as we can look out in the August sun and see the shadows are getting longer and know what is about to come, we can see the shadows of our lives and what we are about to lose. I hope to share with others, acceptance of being only responsible for ourselves is what brings the peace.

little poop on my boots...

this is my little space in time. I come here to rest my constant world of conflict. There are lots of people that really inspire great thought and contemplation but...well "Our house is a very very fine house." two cats that sort of get a long, a dream home to be planned and dreamed about.

Occasionally I step out and explore other spaces and find great material to stir the imagination of possibilities and widened horizons....but well then there are times i step too far and engage in a debate when others don't want to hear and i get too passionate to stay calm thus setting a poor example. It is so tempting to blow my peace when I want to learn from others, educated and educators only to find the educated have become so very....less intelligent than the simple.

So back to my "Our house..." place in space... and find areas to explore that wont disturb my only "peace" and dreaming place...

Lake, Laughs, and URRRR

Lake, laughs, and urrr…

Yesterday really ticked me off when I deleted my entire post! Reflecting on how the friendships of three families. Not sure why we were invited to the lake house… but it has been a nice adventure. The host family and ours have known each other for many years but only in the last 6 years spent so much time together and even out of that we got ostracized the past two.

Relationships baffle me anyway. I mean how can you put what I want to put into a friendship and have very many. Learning that I am not the best at entertaining was a humbling experience. But when I don’t have to deal with drama I am certainly better off.

We had a nice adventure yesterday. Taking the two jet skis we managed to get to a little beach area here on the lake and float around and suntan. Three of us per jet ski, we let the teenage daughter drive my husband and I. She thought it was funny to listen to Mrs. S scream please slow down. She hit a few waves to continue to get a good reaction from me as my husband hung on to me on the tip of the back of the seat.

Then my ride back to the house was so fun, NOT. I road with the fourteen year old on the tube. Figuring they all knew I had already been scared to scream on the jet ski. Nope this time it was the husband, no not mine either. He zigzagged around hitting waves bumping us and swirling us and hearing me scream at the top of my lungs. I was sore and scared and pissed off by the time we got to the house. “Damn you when YOU are fifty one years old I am going to put you on a tube and flip you around!!” He laughed and said, “I have made too many enemies with the tube, I will never get on it”. How do you do that kind of stuff to friends!? I certainly couldn’t.

As we unloaded stuff and people my husband steps off the jet ski into a hole in the dock and all but broke his knee. But the more frightening part was no one saw what happened and he had gone under and couldn’t get his head up out of the water. He was colorless when they finally saw his hand come up and grabbed it. He said he was afraid that if his knee did break the pain was going to cause him to pass out and then he would drown.

So the adventure to the sand bar was totally nerve wrecking! And nope I wont ride with them anymore on a jet ski. Actually I feel certain this could be our last time here. This was a nice, generous offer of friendly hand shake, but they have more in common with the family that use to be friends with us as well. The other family is also my employer and nothing else to me and my family.

Sunday Mass, a small lunch and we will be packing up and heading out of here. It will be with great relief to go home and next time I will think before saying such a quick “yes” to an invitation.

reflections from the lake

OMG! I wrote an entire book of emotion! and completely lost it!! as I was fixing the font URRR!

well have NO idea how to find it, but I will sum it up.

Relationshiip gone bad, but helped me find out what I want in my life and what I dont want! I have a direction to go in now and that is goiong to make me a better person!