I crossed the road and changed directions!

photo taken by a friend, Adam, whom I met once on a mountain trail

Yesterday was exhaustion at its finest.  After a final week of school filled with all sorts of drama for our daughter, work hours being cut TREMENDOUSLY! and a peek at my emotional eating coming back...

After sitting here yesterday i decided it was time for a long walk.  So I struck out of here with no food, no water and three cups of coffee as fuel.  Went 2.5 miles and came back with such low blood sugar that it took hours to feel "norm" again.  

walking though, is wonderful medicine.  It was also a great opportunity for me to see if I could push myself a bit.  walking outside the neighborhood (safety zone) and on a main road.  

As silly as it may sound I hate walking out there * so vulnerable* and I would have to cross a main road with a traffic light!  Again it is not a bad place, it is just frightening to be stopped at the cross road and again so vulnerable.  Do you have little freaky moments that just stop you from doing something you really want to do?

 But I did it!

That little success made me realize that I had changed a very negative day into a different direction.  Decided then to turn this blog spot into a different direction!  Looking for the challenge met ever day, that moment in a 24 hour period that makes me feel like smilin!

Yes somedays it will be hard but at my age it is important that I find them in my everydays!

Saturday, May 30, 2009

I pushed myself out of my safety zone neighborhood and walked 2.5 miles

caution didnt even keep me from crossing the main road 2xs!!!

you cant start your life over but you CAN start living your life

This blog thing is so close and yet so far...and life is driving me crazy at this point.  Not that it is too busy its just not what i want and I cant figure out how to change it.  

I do not like my house,  or the way the yard is closing in on the house and the stuff in the house - the treasures my dear husband will not let go of - my wonderful kids some how I have very messy children ... 

But the real problem is me!    and I hate that most of all ;~)

Confrontation, no thanks.  really weak at seeing that my needs my desires are met!   ~So the people in my life just step and drop where ever they desire and smile at me and say, love ya...Oh they know what drives me crazy and oh they know it makes me mad but they smile and say, Oh dont be so fussy.   Or the great and powerful spouse says in a very demanding way, "I want that there!" and sometimes I say too bad but too often I just leave the room.

Backpacking was my source of personal sanity.  Reading about it, planning it, expecting to do it...then my life time friend and spouse and also source of greatest frustration joins in...at first it was ok, I was so glad we had something we could agree on and get excited about but it is turning into a source of frustration as well.  

He plans it, he buys for it, he pushes it .... till now it really doesnt excite me at all.  

They other day I realized that he likes to hike only so far as he can get back to the car in one day, so a three day hike looks like this

* get there after work, hike north till dark camp

* next morning hike back south till u pass car and reload etc. and continue south till dark 

* 3rd morning hike north back to car and come home!

While trying to figure out why that whole plan pissed me off I realized when I think of Backpacking I think of freedom... of just going with what is on my back and making the best of what lies ahead.  Know where waters are of course, but go far away and then return beat, worn, but a challenge of living with as little as possible and absorbing the simplicity of that moment.

thursday as I was doing a 30 min walk to finish loosing the next 25 pounds, I heard children in the neighborhood.  What wonderful summer sounds.  Sounds of summer sent my mind into remembering being young, being a young mother...things I will never do again and things I wish I had enjoyed more.  It so distressed me when the moment barked loudly THERE ARE NO DO OVERS...THOSE ARE HISTORY!  It really upset me to think I have 20 mayb  30 years left if I take care of myself and dont do anything too daringly stupid...

Then the words "you cant start your life over but you CAN start living your life" came to me (I am certain I have read them somewhere but they made me feel so wise for the next couple of days)  

Now what would I do to start living...and then the very same circle started...I would get rid of all the stuff, including shrubbery, empty anti freeze bottles, empty boxes, car parts that have been stored in garage for 4 years with no hope of being used, two rooms full of computer STUFF that is kept incase.....stupid furniture that was my grand parents that we cannot use because they are too old and fragile....see then you can just start at the top of this all over again ...

My life is a small circle that I live and relive like "ground hog day" over and over.  damn

FYI...even politics is driving me nutz~NObama and NO to This Latino...Surely there is another 'minority" choice.  And when will they stop catagorizing themselves ~ that was suppose to be done with YEARS ago.  Youre either qualified because of your qualifications or not.  Your race has NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING to do with freedom of potential in the USA

rain rain rain and then company LOL

It seems to have rained for ever with only a day of shine tossed in randomly!  encouraging me to be lazy and slow~

saturdays are for sure my favorite day now that i work and only one child (who is the easiest to get along with) at home.  I can stay up late on friday and sleep late on saturday and do what i want all day long EXCEPT when 

agreed to have dinner for a nephew and his family! love em, i really really do but now i must go clean and shop and clean and prepare~ wish entertaining came more easily to me cause i do enjoy the company 

added a followers gadget  ...so much to learn out here ... and so many wonderfully creative people living in blog land!

windy feelings

Do you have days where you just dont like many people maybe ..

Maybe it starts with being upset with yourself...

Perhaps but it is hard to recover from one of those moments.  You feel the judgement from all sides and its not good thoughts either.

at this moment i have to remind myself that its not about feelings...that feelings are like wheat in the wind * perhaps i just need to change direction of the winds...

Momma and Fur Friends! They all die

you know what...the last 10 days have been rather crappy if I might say...

starting with 10 year anniversary of our mother's death.  10 years OMG! but it was fun to  hear what all of the family did to acknowledge their love for her...anything from buying a flower to

 attract butterflies to taken a shot of johnny walker...

Then a week ago today my dog couldnt walk straight and was blown up like a balloon.  Turns out after 4 days of vets, test, fluids, crying lots and lots of crying, and $1500.00 that she had cancer and I had to have her put down last thursday.  She really really loved me...she barked when she heard the garage open, she had to sit next to me in the family room and she lived for the moment when she would hear the leash and know she was going on a walk.  It was so hard to loose her that i had to take 2 days off from work and yes I truely wept for two days. 

Boomer road up and down the road with me the year I had to take care of Momma (4 hour trip) and I would go ALOT...she was my friend while raising 4 teenagers and would listen to me cry when they got into trouble or flat out lied.  She didnt like it when i cried but she would stay there with me.  So for 11 years she was a dear companion that I often took for granted...never thinking she was so near gone.  

NO MORE DOGS * they break my heart when they pass...I still have a cat and she is the greatest cat ever...but no more new pets. Perhaps a bonsai...they live really long dont they?