lovin a good buzz and a good jam!

everyday ~

every day starts the same, wake up before the alarm goes off, get my coffee and come sit on the couch to see if something out in internet world will inspire me to change into the person i think i really am.

most afternoons i come in from work and go straight to the computer as well again to see if anyone out there noticed who i am. sometimes i am gifted a comment or email that makes me smile and believe i am making progress.

i believe the person i am really suppose to be is petite in all areas of life. i love to practice yoga daily, actually cant go a day with out time on my mat. maternal love swells in me when dinner time rolls around cause i know that i am going to please my family with a simple, tasty meal. i have a gift for explaining what i want to others and they respond, with a positive attitude, with at least suggestion on how we will accomplish. i love to garden and actually get out and garden, encourage my husband to get to the over grown shrubs and miss shaped trees and even the trees in the gutters.

i really am stuck and at 51 that really pisses me off. i don't do any of these things. i haven't encouraged anyone to do something i wanted them to with out death threats. i stopped making suggestion to my husband about decluttering (even though he has 1/2 a garage, a workshop, a bedroom and a wet bar FILLED with unneeded junk), i stopped saying tooooo much about the yard because it and the clutter brings about the greatest aggression in us both.

dinner time finds me exhausted and completely clueless about what i want to fix for dinner. "lets have pizza yall". but some how my mother (way back in late 60's and into 1970's) would catch a bus (no matter the weather) work 8 hours, catch the bus again walk home, take a 10-15 min nap, fix her bourbon and water drink and cook a full course dinner, mow the grass, wash the clothes, or whatever needed to be done. she bitched only when we (myself and two nieces and a nephew that were living with us cause THEIR mother was doing what she wanted to do!) would not unload and load the dish washer. she never ever wanted our help in the kitchen (which could be why i don't know how to put a meal together)

i drive to work in my own car that is parked in a garage, work, now, 5 hours, go home and do maybe laundry and maybe think of some great thing for dinner.

omg! my life, the way i am living my life is driving me insane!

our 4th and our last child graduates in 2 years 2011 (omg! what a number) i really really want to sell out of suburbia and buy a small condo in the city and a small home in the mountains. we will have to work forever and i am really ok with that (he is not but he is accepting). so we will have to have a place near work but our real home would be 1 to 1.5 hours away.

our condo would have a nice patio on it that we can container garden. our cats would be happy to sun next to a large sliding glass door. (someone left their rescued cat in our sun room so now i have two thanks dd). then on thursdays we would pack 'em up and head up out.

oh and the real me has the courage to do what she has to do to make her life as she sees it. for instance, fearlessly she grabs the over grown bush and uproots it and plants her small flowers and containers of plants near the front door to welcome her guests. but most importantly i will pack my bags and really leaves cause i have told him this stuff is making me insane.

but this is what i do every day. look at houses, dream of life in those houses, imagine true simplicity in my day filled with personal courage, creativity, and love. i look at homes in the mountains and have a favorite. i really really love this house, the natural environment around it, the porch on it. i found this house at "Nikon Sniper" blog, yep right here in blog land ~

yesterday i spent one hour on the laptop etching out and "planting" on a free interactive landscaping site. my front door looks perfect on it ~

maybe that is the transformation this blog space needs to become for me, perhaps it can help me etch out what i desire for me. lots of middle aged, (i use to think 50+ was just damn old) write out what is in their heads and hearts and their lives change to what they desired.

hell, i got to do a spell check, drink some coffee, and take my daughter to the airport so she can spend the next 3 weeks hanging with her best friend and her family. living their lives to the fullest and freakin watch from edges.

the real me, well i have done a mini yoga moment, written a very creative piece for my blog, and now hopping in the shower to encourage my daughter to enjoy life and make it what she wants it to be for her! ~ at least i got the shower and push for my daughter ;0)

AHHAAAHA get so tired of...

Another Monday gone shew..but one more monday completely wasted and wished away ...I will want it back that last day here. I will say damn why did I wast those days and wish them away.

tired of working so hard to not work hard at: dieting, being healthy, cleaning house, dreaming of a wonderful yard filled with beautiful flowers...

tired of reading others blogs and liking them better. Seeing their creativity and measuring mine against it and ALWAYS coming up so damn short ~HA~ which leads me to tired of really being TOO short LOL another couple inches and I wouldnt be TALL for sure but I would be less fat LOL

tired of relationships in general. they take a lot of effort and wear me out. they are certainly the most important things in my life but i feel as though i am the only one aware of how important they are...

tired of going to a job that isnt what i want to be doing and smiling and hating my tiny little paycheck because my hours have been cut ~ then working more to get the work completed and knowing I will only be paid for 20 cause good paying business is so slow.

tired of looking for a job and wondering if it is something in my resume or just because i am a freakin "senior" that i am not getting at least a call back...

tired of this house w/ 5 bedrooms and rooms being filled with stuff! that i dont even want ~ I inherited when my mother died and the mother guilt and lack of grandchildren or even children that would want it ~ wanting to get it fixed up and usable but NO money cause back to that damn job I really dont like with the little paycheck.

tired oh so tired of the administration right now it worries me to death that americans have become so complacent ~ it worries me that socialism is walking right into our country with a hand up from the clueless people

*it scares me that defense of our nation and her people is not even in the top 20 priorities for BHO! Windmills are! what the hell are we gonna do with windmills when the bombs start going for us*

tired of circles in my life ~ most especially the thinking circles~ cause they lead to living circles.

see there goes the creak in the floor to let me know my husband is up now and "my quiet" is done for now....

probably good because I am musing the same old thoughts ~

home on a hill

Something that amazes me is that my sister's husband acquired this land (14 acres) almost 15 years ago. He bought it, cleared it, and started building for over year before he told her about it.

They moved in and shortly after he built another small home across the pond (especially put in for my sister because she loves to fish) for their daughter and her family.

She has done nothing special to earn such treatment.

At any rate now they want to sell out, and get a camper and hit the road...Turning 60 and being on a very very fixed budget and having never gone anywhere in their lives they are ready. I look at this and think wow, how could you leave? It is so simple and close to family.

Nice time in the country...

Good Ol' Days... To my Bucket List....

This week seems to have gotten me stuck in the reminiscing mode! Even last night found some 1970-ish pics. They were a little scary LOL, but the ones with my husbands old crush well they still stir the AHHHH in my heart. I found myself hoping she has lost all her hair and gained 75 pounds.

We have not had cable television in oh, 14-15 years. Some of those we had NO TV because I wanted the kids to THINK, or PLAY. Now that we are down to one child who is almost 17 we have been playing with old shows off the internet. My husband is a geek .... major major geek. He has rigged it so we can put the computer on our BIG screen tv and it's just like watching tv.

The show he found recently that we just started is "Weeds" off of ShowTime. I believe it is presently in its 5th season. Well, all I wanted to say is it amazed me what and how far tv will go now with sex and drugs. I mentioned it to all of our older children and they all scream, "WEEDS, yall are watching WEEDS!? that is my favorite show ever what season are you in?" I remain calm, smile and tell them we just started it and it is funny. They assure me there are LOTS of funny funny parts and to not freak cause its gonna get pretty SEXUAL, like porn.

In my little head I am thinking in a scream mod..."WHEN AND HOW DID YOU SEE ALL SEASONS?" and who did they watch it with cause I am a little embarrassed watching with my HUSBAND ! Oh my....

This Saturday we are going to the country. My sister's country in the middle of nothing. They really really live with basics. They raise their meat, name it, feed it, kill it and eat it all year! My sister, the middle one of three, is turning 60! yes lets me say that again...60. She has really had a wild hard life...drug addicted, grew up just wanting to screw everything that had paints on, loves pain pills...and some how she has survived and has all of her children (3 girls) less than 10 miles from her. They love her and accept her and celebrate her birthday with great joy and enthusiasm...but they call their dad their hero! and I will so agree.

She says 60 is scary to her. That all of a sudden she realizes her time has ticked closer to out than remaining. And heavens there is not much this lady HASNT done. Now both of my sisters are 60 and 66.... and for the first time I can really see that age has gripped them like I never thought it would.

All of this said it has brought to my own light my own life...my own well bucket list! and that is where these boots are going to go for a while....MY LIFE MY BUCKET LIST

Nature's Confetti A Trail Celebration

Lunch, Memories...1974 to 2009 ...

Today was a reunion of sorts. She and I had gone to school together from 8th grade thru 10th grade. We had a lot of common friends and lived on two different sides of the railroad tracks. The last time we had seen each other was the summer after the 10th grade, 1974! Do you hear me! 34 years since we had seen each other and I knew her as soon as she came up to the door of the restaurant. Funny, I left so filled with youthful joy LOL, even after all this time what the peers were up to stirred my imagination.

A sad story, but one that made my heart ache was the confirmation of rumors that a young teen boy that I had really "loved" as any 17 year old heart can! Had stopped living because of depression, pain pills, addiction, self-pity. This young man had been very fit, had a gentle compassionate heart, love of nature, long thick beautiful hair and occasionally spoke of the pain in his back. No real desire to accomplish anything but fish, hunt, live off the land. Death of two of his friends and the pain of his arthritis had left him lifeless in a vacuum for the past 20 years. Unable to work, walk, overweight, bald. I almost wish I had never been told, but that is who he is now and I once "loved" him. I had "loved" him for two years. We had gotten me pregnant summer of my junior year. The night after it confirmed that I was 11 weeks pregnant I miscarried. This changed everything in my perception of me and my life. We barely hang on for a few months out of my own frustration that he wasn't growing into a "man" and I was unworthy of anything really good.

By graduation, 1976, I realized he was not interested in getting anywhere. I wanted to test my hand in college. Push out my boundaries of life. I broke up with him and left the next September. We didn't speak again till a couple of weeks before my wedding in 1978. He said something that made me mad. My memory can not recall what it was but I do remember that I thought he said it because he was jealous. One other time years after I had married we crossed paths one more time. I brought up the pregnancy and his bitter, angry accusations hurt badly and that was the last time we spoke.

Through the years I had heard he was not doing well at all. and now it is confirmed by his sister and that makes me mourn a youth that had so much simple joy in life.

Lunch today reminded me how easily i couldve gone another path LOL. And while sometimes I am way to hard on myself, my family, and my life...well today I was reminded that my life and my family R*O*C*K*S. thank you God!

challenge, growth, excitement... 3 days on the trail

Can you hear the woodland voices whispering to come experience the REAL world?

I spent most of the friday morning seeing that my guests were comfortable that I was leaving them for a couple of nites on the trail. Of course they were they are family and had more family here to visit. But that didnt stop my heart from being torn in attention. So as we drove off it occurred to me that we COULD go another day or another weekend! thankfully my husband didnt think like that.

The 3 days out north and south of Woody Gap ( Appalachian Trail ) was just what this 50+ needed to remind her self that she loves life, even with mosquitoes and the aches of a heavy pack, the OMG another climb! cause when its all done there is a beautiful view, a breath of real air.

This time as well I constantly reminded myself of a friend who started the thru hike in March...I have followed her in her blog and supported her in the joy that she is doing it!! I would ponder if she had seen this or that ... wondering if I could find out from her husband where she is and fly to a spot and catch up with her and hike a piece I have (likely never will) see.

All in All a glorious weekend and life here moved on none the wiser that we had left.

Friday friday dadadada

Ok i know its suppose to be Monday monday but who wants to sing of a monday! storms predicted but we will be packing up and hitting the trails today for a little R&R. Course I have been a wake off and on since 3 thanks too hot flash and snoring, oh and a potty break. Potty breaks in the middle of the night in the wilderness is my most unliked event...it is scary and dark, really really dark and I imagine big and little animals waiting to eat me out there.

Had a little impromptu dinner last night filled with laughter and lots and lots of verbage between every one. well almost every one. Mr. I dont like to socialize, well he sort of disappears and got to his computer. But thats alright at least he just disappears gently. But it does make me really appreciate my daughters boy friend who seems to enjoy the talking and laughing and actually joins in. I think she has found a really special young man, and he is really handsome as well.

Times like last night though do make me wonder how my husband and i were attracted to each other for life....I think it was an arranged marriage, Arranged by God. That is the only thing that makes sense at all to me cause we are so so so different and often I keep my mouth shut and dont share with him like I use to when we first married.

Last night the kids (16 -22) were saying uck about the thought of parents kissing or sharing the smile of the night they were conceived, and the love the two feel for each other. Mr. Boy friend speaks up and says he would be thrilled to walk in the room and find his parents kissing. He is sure that it has been a very very long time since they did. that just brought a new element into the conversation, then the other kids were sympathetic to his situation and appreciative of their parents.

LIFE go figger

Appreciation is in our hands

Some blogs just make me smile. Mine is a place to sit and ponder life but I wont it to be appreciative pondering 97% of the time. Realized that when it isnt appreciative it is my own perspective that shades it in the "why me, why this" tone.

Tonight we will prepare for a 2 day hike. This means prepare in the husband way. Stuff that he really thinks he will want every 10 hours will be put into the car and we will stop by it everyday LOL. But the moments on the trail will be wonderful and we will do this one like this but immediately i will come home and plot out a totally wild one LOL

to much time on this little contraption * leads to big butts and little energy so starting today I will trust myself to put this down and move more (40 mins more) and put a cap on the kitchen. Found that frustration of the day in day out is less than it use to be. Matter of putting my needs out there for others to see.

Today I will appreciate family to start. Kathy, my niece, Kevin her son, for taking the time to come by and visit. Thankful that Bobby, my husband, will put on a pack and hike with me!

HE ISNT ON THE ROAD ;0)

Mr biggest snapping turtle ever was not mush on the road this morning! started my work day with a ha, wtg attitude!

very slow at work today and it will get slower. folks around here working for GM are loosing their insurance, no more dental work to be done = no more crowns to make.

its the small things that i make me happy

before time gets away from me ...this morning on the way to work i saw the BIGGEST snapper turtle i have EVER seen. Just standing ready to strike out across the street (we will know tomorrow morning LOL) then shortly there after i saw two bunnies with their backs to the road but enjoying a breakfast together before the day of hopping started LOL

then another surprize ... my oldest and my youngest are washing my car hmmmm wonder what they are up to LOL

the picture of the house that i "borrowed" from steve the nikon sniper makes me smile everytime i go to my puter...thanks steve

back later

so alike but different...

I just came back from spending 3 nights in the north Georgia mountains with my niece. She and I grew up in the same house cause her mother, my sister, just wouldnt play the mother role. That is a whole nother story for a blog day LOL

My niece is 4 years younger than this lady...and though we grew up in the same house in the same surroundings there is so much different about us. Her heart is open like a rose on its grandest day. Expectations of life are meant to change when they need to. ;o)

While we were together and had zero interruptions or family dynamics coloring the atmosphere, it was wonderful to just watch this beautiful woman. She claims she has anxieties but pushes herself through them only to find she really had nothing to worry about. Courage? She has spent the last 26 years being very fit, beautiful, hip, loving, wife and mother. Now as her youngest approaches his senior year she is crossing the path I crossed with difficulty as well. Who is she, who does she want to be and can she be that? The extra shade in her thinking is a husband that cant seem to keep his hands off other women.

Amazingly I know who she is and what she can become and who she needs to rid herself of, but she is thinking it over to see that she makes the best decision ...

As we spent this time together it occured to me how easy it is for me to see the path for others and how hard it is to see it for my self.

~~~so this blog, well I am thinking it needs to be more me and it is so complicated when I try to make things and thinking simple ~~~

But like a home or a garden that I have tried to make before what is see before me is become a spinning top filled with ideas.

Things from blogs

*themes
*cutest titles ever
*daily pictures
*words of wisdom
*creativity

*goals and steps to get there

Maybe it mine could be influenced by those I enjoy, ideas that made me think for the day.

Maybe my blog could reflect those that may see the same thing but see it so differently. Isnt that what life is about? how we can experience the same moment so differently.

Maybe what I will do is use this quiet time (that should be spent cutting the grass or trimming a bush) right here on the computer. I will cut the grass tomorrow! There is too much to explore here now

small paycheck but more time!

Yesterday was very nice. Energy up, clearly focused. Fearlessly clearing a path in this home of treasures..

My laptop is still being "worked on" thankfully by my genius husband! so it doesnt fry my leg while using. So today I hope to really put on my reading and writing cap and spend sometime.

Love the idea of a picture a day ~ may copy a similiar idea.

give myself a minute

this morning...is the 2nd of June. I woke feeling tired of doing nothing and being on an even tighter budget. The president and his administration is driving me nutz...

Today for myself I will tidy up a bit but get a walk and work in the yard just a bit. I think I will take some time and plan a hike.

Look for some sorta widget to keep a tidy record of daily goals on the blog.

yep! makin time for me...