monday

the sand is gone, the ocean is gone and all my wonderful goofy family has gone home...it is oh so MONDAY and here is a good article on Health Transoformation

www.healthtransformation.net

Time at the beach with family and friends!

We have had another summer at the beach! Some returned after a ten year "avoidance" .

It was so nice to have my youngest and my oldest...next time i so hope my two middle ones will

make it.

family is so special and so complicated. My sister and I were the oldest ones there to tell the

same stories we have told the last 20 years. Nieces, Nephew, cousins, sons, daughter...

and we look forward to doing it again

Must-See Undercover Expose of Socialized Health Care! | The FOX Nation

Must-See Undercover Expose of Socialized Health Care! | The FOX Nation

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Obama Budget Page 11, Figure 9: Written By French Socialist Economists!

Obama Budget Page 11, Figure 9: Written By French Socialist Economists!

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thursday ~ but my friday ~

The ceiling grumbles even this early, he is snoring. He will wake again this morning and tell me how he didn't sleep at all last night, just you wait and see.

My previous post was fun to share with my sister. She had never heard it (obviously) and was really up set that she could've been so self centered! She was only 21 or 22 at the time for heaven's sake. I need to go change the ages of us...we were younger than I thought.

This little space in the world has become a safe refuge for my thoughts. All day yesterday the ideas streamed through my mind's eye. Pictures to focus on or pictures to create. Wonder if it is bad that I spend so much time here or thinking about here, naaa.

Actually wish I could figure out how to make money with this space...others are. That would free me from the dental bondage!

My job was nice, it was interesting and challenging and well paid for 2 years...I am moving into 3.5 years now. Moved to 20 hours from 40 hours. Pretty much left to more the models and little else. No one says anything about opps anymore. Actually they really make me feel like a charity case. In their Christian minds they have to do this...

We use to be friends even before i worked for them. I thought we were friends but actually i just bought into their (wife's) manipulation. I even let them use me. Not that they ever made a comment about how well I was doing in the never before seen industry. They attacked my oldest daughter's character because she had "upset" their daughter. (they had been friends), When my daughter apologized with a multi page letter they said it was not good enough. Damn that whole year still makes me mad. But now our youngest daughters who had been BFF4Ever! had a falling out ... and of course it was my daughters fault. I didn't buy it one second. This time I fought back and told them no they were not getting all the story and that was really the last time we had any kind of discussion. Now we talk only on work...oh and on our faith, she is constantly saying something about religion to see where my heart is there. That makes me say rebellious things...and honestly those are the best times of my work week! LOL

So when my vacation is over I will come home and spend 20 hrs a week looking for work that will be satisfying even if it is less money....off to the coal mines.

ERRR or Hmmm or OM or Why?

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions and dispositions. Ever wake up and just think "errr" and your loved one speaks and you reply nicely (or you think you are replying nicely) but you are thinking "errrr".

Walk in your place of work and say "Dang'd I hate this place". The theme pretty much carries thru the morning into the lunch hour. That is when my work day ends - @ lunch time. (Thank you Oblabla)

On my way home from work today I had a bubble of a memory come up. It always amazes me when this happens so effortlessly but if I TRY to recall something I have to really dig. Anyway this bubble ~ it was summer, it was dry and dusty and I was not happy being where I was. (seems to be a thread in my life) I was about 5 or 6 years old in a day care before day cares were really day "care", because they didn't really care they just fenced you in a yard, made you take a nap and offer you a cold drink out of the machine if you remembered to bring your 10 cents.

It was 1960 maybe 1961. My nephew was about a toddler and his sister was a baby. I know this because we were separated due to ages. Their mother (my sister) was working two jobs and my mother was working one 40 hour a week job and we were all fatherless. So thus we were in day "care".

What amazed me was the precursor to the memory that was on its way. On my drive home I was wanting something cold to drink on this hot afternoon and I thought of a "coke" (we call all sodas or pops cokes here) Almost instantly I could feel the sweaty, clammy packed little room filled with what seemed like hundreds of kids aged 5-10, but I hope that was my small person eye. The "care" giver of this group was standing at the "coke" machine (imagine a cold drink machine in the 60's) and he was asking each of us what we wanted. I remember feeling fairly confident because I knew I had my dime, and my hand was up and he yelled, "what do you want?" and I asked for the strawberry cold drink. Things go pretty bad instantly, while I cant remember details I remember laughter, feeling very fat and ugly instantly, and him saying the strawberry was all gone, choose another. But I felt humiliated and couldn't think of something different so I got nothing at all even though I was so thirsty.

This memory led me to think deeper into that day "care" and that summer. I spent many a time walking over to the fence and trying to get my nephew's attention. Some how I felt like I needed to keep my eye on him over there. He always seemed perfectly content playing in a dusty dirt "yard" with other rug rats and sometimes he would toddle over to me and do what ever toddlers do and I would be comfortable to go explore in the big yard a little more, aimlessly and friendless. Assuming my niece was comfortable in the "infants" room inside, well at least it was air conditioned.

One of those afternoons when my mother came to get me (here I don't remember why my niece and nephew didn't go with us) My heart was so happy. So many times a day I would think inside my head really loud "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME AND GO TO WORK". But no word was said except on Saturdays, when she would remind me that it was cartoon day and my reply was always, "My favorite cause you don't have to go to work". Anyway, I was skipping holding my mother's hand, and walked right into a cable that was attached to a telephone pole and busted my lip bad! I think I even bruised my tooth and gum. Inside my head I thought, "how could I have not seen that!" but again no words out loud, and my mother dabbed my mouth, told me it was going to be ok, stop crying, "straighten your face up" we have to catch the bus home.

My sister, the mother of my niece and nephew, she worked at a bank about 3 or 4 blocks from this day "care". So she was often the one to take us there in the mornings. We would all get put in our fenced area and I would feel so unhappy and wish I could be as happy as my nephew and niece seemed to be in their place in life. My mother would come for the afternoon pick up and some strange relief would come over me that every thing was going to be ok for the rest of the day.

One day not to long after we had been dropped off, it was still a summer cool morning. I was swinging, just swinging alone, when another girl my age spoke to me in a friendly manner. We sorta played together, she seemed so comfortable in this place too. I cant say how long we played but I can tell you that I remember going in and out of a big play house together many times. We were apparently playing "house", or "mommies", or something. The play house had some sort of a play kitchen with a window over a sink because my minds eye can remember looking out that window over the sink thinking, "I can see the toddlers from here, I like this". My new "friend" was the leader in this friendship and she told me I had to go do something for her and bring it back. That is really the way I remember it. She sent me on some kind of "errand" for her and stated that I must do it. Inside my head I thought, "I don't want to. I was doing something else you go do it", but silently I walked out the door of the play house got to the swings and heard this terrible crash and screaming and crying.

The entire area was in an explosion of screams and crying and yelling. When I looked around the play house was gone, the fence was gone, the bushes were gone. Adults were running and grabbing children's hands and dragging them to the toddler side of the fenced yard.

Next moment I remember is knowing that a car had run a stop sign and come through the play ground, hit the house, ran over and drug my "friend" along way before stopping. She was dead. Just like that she was dead and torn up into a bloody mess and I was sitting and holding my nephew. Neither of us "spoke". We were fairly accustom to chaos, but this was death of a peer.

My sister showed up very very very quickly, crying and screaming. She gathered us up and took us home. I remember trying to tell her how close I had come to being hit too, I wanted to tell her she was my "friend". Even though the words came out of my mouth this time, no one listened. She reminded me that that girl was dead now because some drunk had run through the stop sign. I tried again to tell her how close I had come to being dead too, but no acknowledgement that I had said anything.

We never went back to that day "care". I don't know what the two single mothers did with us three the rest of the summer. I do remember being glad that I didn't have to go back, and I do remember playing with that little girl seconds before she was run over and drug to a mutilating death. She was a little girl like me, and she had played in the house with me and I left the house to do something I didnt want to do and she got killed and I didnt.

Now that was a memory. It bubbles up occassionally thru the last 45 years. Still no one listens to me about that story but I know how it was and I know that it still makes me so sad.

By the time I was home for the day I had forgotten all of that till I sat to write here tonight. I think I see what turn my blogging journal wants to take. My threads I see so clearly and my screaming internal words and the quiet of my mouth..

Then what exactly happens to change the tune? Putting some real words between another and myself. Sharing with Lauren some words that make me smile.

just a follow up note ...

When I got home this afternoon, my other son, the one I havent heard from since over a week ago...even though I had texted him Friday...well, he finally "remembered" my Friday Text! ;0) and called! ahhh NOW my life really is good!

4 outta 4! Man I got great kids lol!

(did someone call those last two and tell them lol)

Sunday thoughts on Monday Morning

Yesterday was a great tour of blog land day. So many amazing people out here with beautiful layouts, true talent with words, pictures, themes. It is amazing that they are so easily available.

At any rate they stir the brain cells of a mind that seemingly has no direction...

The stream began as I stepped out the door for a walk (yes, I got my butt up long enough to get a 30 min walk in yesterday). Just as the feet hit the pavement my auto-prayer switch flipped. Looking up to the sky I began my rosary and it made me smile. I have walked and prayed the rosary for so many years that it just started without me thinking. That was a good thing because my prayers have all but disappeared. It let me know my faith while being tested is still right there.

About 10 minutes into the walk and rosary I passed a 65-ish year old man obviously walking for his healthy but he was also smoking a pipe! It occur ed to me how strange that was, how can you work on an aerobic walk and puff along on a sweet cherry scented tobacco? This too made me smile and think of the space right here...cant wait to share this moment, perhaps use as a title. So many bloggers could really take this subject somewhere~

The stream of awareness of thought continued for the next 20 minutes and made me smile and energized me. When the walk was over I thought my front entrance to my REAL house really needs to be cleaned of leaves and bush clippings. My Einstein has a very aggravating habit of doing but not cleaning. So when he trimmed our bushes (way too many stupid bushes in our yard and he never trims the enough, actually just gets hot and stops) well he didn't pick up after himself. Two wonderful hours of raking, sweeping, pulling up, cutting abandoned offshoots of bush felt really nice and really brought me a little pride of the place. But just a little, really walked around thinking "ahhah, I really don't like this house and don't want this to be my last home"

As the afternoon progressed I realized I was feeling very disconnected to the world around me...

So strange because I have the world at my finger tips here with this lap top, and some of the blogs read like a wonderful book...We went to late afternoon Mass and I still was feeling very very disconnected and beginning to let the clouds of depression come in on my active and creative mind. "My blog is not interesting, creative",...all the horrible comparison games I like to play on myself. None of our four kids has spent anytime talking to me this weekend, I really am glad they are so independent but hell I am their MOTHER don't they just want to talk or reply to a text I sent, or the note I left them on facebook, or return the call I left on their phones? No one really needs me, not sure what my freaking purpose is...and why do I want to make others happy but they could careless about me. "Mom I need $200 dollars, I will pay you back but can you loan it to me?" Instantly there is money in the account! "I want to go to Texas for 21..." Or I asked one son what his plans were for the weekend on Friday....and have yet to hear back.

Well I got a little carried away recounting all the thoughts of errrr. As Mass started our oldest and his sweet heart come sliding into the pew next to us. Instantly the shine was coming back into my heart! At dinner that evening our oldest daughter called, "hey mom! Whatchya doing, I am at work and checking in!"...and then as we turned the lights off to go to sleep (sort of looking forward for the Monday routine to shake of the gloom) our baby called for no reason but to have a quick chat. So 3 out of 4 thought of us ...well I am thinking that ain't too bad! I will just call that younger son and ask him does he remember he has a family today and he will make me smile with his sweet personality and my heart will feel love.

So that is how the Sunday thoughts stirred around my mind all day and I had to set them here! Shewww and it all has a possibility of being explored in a writing individually. Thunder is rolling this Monday and as long as it continues I see the great opportunity to write some or read some more today.

ideas starting to come together

Found a lot of ideas that I really liked but it was time to narrow them down. Again some for "present" kitchen and some for the "someday" kitchen.

Love the wood floors, the flowers, the warmth of all of these kitchens. Greens, blues, browns and a touch of lavender are obviously my favs.

Simple lighting to fit the moods of the people and the moments of life. Simple colors of white for dishes and glasses will free me up to really get exceptional decorations (table clothes, napkins, center pieces) to fit the celebration of the seasons...

Recipies, nice simple recipies...next.

so many ideas! so many possibilities

Now to start exploring rooms in "our house"....gonna start in the kitchen because I do believe it is the heart center of a home.

I. Real Kitchen

very 80's

dark cabinets

blue and white linoleum floor

chopped up kitchen ~ breakfast area

little wall space

lots of windows

two bar stools to sit at the sink and talk

II. Virtual Kitchen

Wood stained cabinets

linoleum wood floors

open

plenty of low cabinets

inviting chairs and tables

So some how in doing the research for the virtual I hope to shed light on possibilities in the real area. We rarely really eat there ~ we stand and snack and meet and discuss what is important to us all.

Many options (decisions are obviously hard for me). Warm wood and comfort but more than that S*I*M*P*L*E.

so much time! ;0)

and i still dont seem to have it centered in my blog ;0(.

I really spent about 8 ours on that picture ~ amazing huh. I have a three day weekend and I cant wait to "house" work some more! Even made myself "invisible" on my AIM so no distractions.

my two cats are at least able to be in the house together supervised! The Alpha Cat is Not a happy cat though and wants to know why this orange kid gets to stay!

Can you tell we have been childless for a couple weeks? It was exciting the first weekend, but now going into the third i wonder what we will do when she leaves and DOESNT come back. Will I spend more time on the puter? I can see myself getting older by the minute, sent to a nursing home ( if the kids can afford it lol) and playing on this puter!

and I work on this blog like i am gonna get paid for it or something.

Blog land is really fun to explore though you ALL must admit! and wonder if we can find a pottery program on line to play with then I could make virtual pottery at my virtual home...

My house...ideas making explosive marks in thinking

Isn't this photo exciting? My Bobby took at the town square this past weekend...I named it Clashing Personalities ...It reminds me of what my brain feels like most often. (No I don't think I am a mental health problem YET)

But at least this photo helps me see and hopefully helps others understand...this blog is 'bout to change again...

I have been working on "my house". Its not a real house yet ...it is a vision board house. It is one that I can decorate, landscape, cook and play in just the way I want to!

As it comes together I realized that I want to change my blog AGAIN! Yep, I am gonna change the name to " Two cats in the yard..."

I must thank all of you for your generosity and shared creativity...Nikon Sniper, well man you have given me many boosts of creativity with your photography of simple things...and many have shown up on my vision board. I have pulled many ideas and photos off of the decorating websites as well and will do my best to give credit where credit is due.

The writings of so many of you have helped me to see that life is what makes us who we are, Confessions of a Screwed Up Texan, thank you for helping me understant that. Pioneer Woman well, some of us have A gift and then some are blesssed with SEVERAL gifts! Thank you, All of those I "follow" have allowed my heart to see the good and that the day to day is often overlooked while looking for something "great". We miss our own lives...sort of cant see the forest for the trees syndrome.

....so my directions change AGAIN, but hey that's life ;o) No human is created to become stagnate and often at 50 we get so damn lost...I am very excited about this new idea..