Kick Ass Birthday Mr. Know It ALL!

this one is for you my blog friend!You totally ROCK!

Friday 55 Anxiety

Anxiety, Fear

I never see them coming,

Thoughts consume me.

Start in my head and squeeze around my heart

Pain, sharp pain spreads like rays

I cant breath, Scream!

I am going to be forgotten, lied to,

Abandoned, alone with no one.

Your heart beat is Assurance

I am not alone, I am loved.

Breathe

friday 55, yummmm

Waited all day

Laughed talked snoozed.

4 miles on treadmill

A story two, maybe three

Sun is shining, breeze blowing.

Smells of fresh baked, stirred and blended

Cant wait too much longer I may just pass out

Its NOT spaghetti!

When finally it’s time

Its all done!

Looks like art just before its all gone!!

Oh Tuesday Already??

This is going to be a nutty week. Not only do I have my, now, part time job but some one has asked me to help them out as well.  SO glad and appreciative of them asking...Pay check has not been quiet big enough. 

I wasnt able to convince the family that the Pilgrims ate that stuff a long time ago and now we should have like ummm, spaghetti.  When I told the third member they got the pouty face and said, "are you really going to have Spaghetti?"   So the cooking will start tonight and the regular job and the part time job and then the gym (maybe) and then to the kitchen.

This space may be quiet but it wont be forgotten! I will babble on and on just in time for a friday 55!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!
(Isnt it nice when some things have not been politically warped!)

Friday 55 On Saturday Morn

Some how my Friday got away from me!  This 55 has been on my mind since Wednesday. 

Thanks G-Man for my weekend kick off! the PARTY can begin!!

HONEST SCRAP! Thursday..My Friday!

                   

Tell 10 honest things about myself.

Pick 10 honest bloggers to pass it on to.

Tall Kay, from AHA Moments, was the generous blogger to share this with me!

10 Honest Things about me (in no particular order):

1. I always wanted to be a hippie but I was born too late!

2. I was accepted into Clown College in Sarasota, Fl

3. My first pedicure was at the age of 47

4. My first car was a datsun truck for $500.00 back in 1977.

5. facebook farms take alot of my time but it is relaxing sorta like smoking..

6. Would love to have courage and money to have a boob job done, not bigger or smaller just set in place so I would never  have to wear a bra again

7. We moved 8 times the first 8 years we were married.  And bought our first house in a cul de sac on DUNMOVIN Court, yep DUNMOVIN! Stayed there 16 years

8. Lived in a duplex next to Kris Kristopherson in Nashville!

9.  first time I met my husband, I was thirteen and had  just moved on "the street" (a small horse shoe road) A girlfriend (who also had a very confused home and a single mother) we took the liquor out of our houses and got pretty drunk ... I was laying in the ditch of my front yard with her and he and two other walked by and she introduced us!

10.  my most fav two weeks with all of our kids were the two week trips we made to Alaska...We wandered about in a Winnebago. End of this summer I told them I really wanted to do it one more time before they got married and had other responsibilities.  THEY ALL SAID YES!  My Einstein was able to get 6 round trip tickets with frequent flyer points and they have paid for our camper.

Hope it was worth the wait! and I do love the recognition thank you tall Kay!

Pass on to 10:

1. http://katexpat.blogspot.com   Expat, Kathyrn

2. http://richmondzoo.blogspot.com

3. http://thewritinginstinct.blogspot.com

4. http://writingforthefun.blogspot.com

5. http://nikonsniper.blogspot.com/

6. http://myriad-of-thoughts.blogspot.com

7. http://myriad-of-thoughts.blogspot.com/

Gotta go to bed..

OMG! Life is so much better

It is amazing what a few days will do for you!  Working in the yard and really accomplishing something there.  Pulling out ivy that had over taken the out quarter of our yard.  Able to work with Einstein with no hitches or pitches! LOL!

This past weekend we went with our older boys to and my nephew and his girlfriend to see a real redneck country song writer.  Some how these song writers were the bridges that helped us reconnect to our second son.  Come to find out our oldest had been listening to them for some time as well..  The first one, Pat Green, was the first one and almost tied with that was Robert Earl Keene and then Chris Knight  (linked to the song that our son said, "momma come on you have to dance with me on this one!)

 and now I am really really hooked on Drive By Truckers.  Our sons enjoy a very wide range of music but these characters seem to be enjoyed by us all.  This weekend we also heard Courdaroy Brown and we all really liked them as well.

Something fun about all of us knowing the words and singing really loudly with the bands and each other.  Music has always been a mood setter and tool to color daily life with for me ~ apparently our kids as well.  The girls don't share their music quiet as much, maybe because there never has been the need for a bridge, but they know which ones I will like and share them.  Hate rap totally hate rap and some of the screaming monster bands that our oldest likes to listen to.

We grew up 2 houses apart since we were 13.  So many things we share in our memory banks.  The radio, the music, the kids playing guitar and bass in  the basements with black lights... worthy of its own post, but the radio was our life force.  the station WKDA-FM 103.3...first stereo in Nashville and it played such a wide variety of music.  Never plugged to one type,  you would hear Harry Chapin and YES and Dan Folgelburg, Carli Simon, Barefoot Jerry,...Led Zeppelin ~ 10 of us in a big black car riding thru "the Park" I had to sit in the floor and that song totally blew me away! All these kids in my life was very exciting after living with my mom and sister in a three story old Apt. ... I had gone to heaven!

Do you have a memory of music in your lives that when you hear the song your senses all awaken to that moment?

PS Tall Kate I have not forgotten the "honesty scrap" ~ I have 9 right now and should be able to post tonight, sorry it took me such a long time cause I do appreciate being thought of!

Anxiety, panic, relief

The last two weeks have been very hard emotionally and mostly due to my trying to muscle through like a tough girl that can do it herself. By Wednesday of last week my nerves were so violently rebelling against common sense and there was nothing i could do to make them stop. Completely irrational by Thursday night and all day Friday. I went into work and acted as normal as possible. Very quiet, shortness of breath, actually holding it for minutes at a time. Worked 4 hours on Friday for a friend when my Einstein called...

By the time I got home he was napping. He had gone to the sleep clinic again for the damn machine. There was hardly anything left of me as I curled up like a cat into his sleeping arms... something about our hearts beating against each other was so calming. I focused on my own breathing. Deep breaths... relief or confidence or ok'ness...began to take hold. I cried, and talked and explained AGAIN,

I know it is totally irrational but this damn machine is going to come between us. he said NO, it isn't irrational that is how I felt when the dog would sleep with us. OMG, my sister had called me weirdo, so strange, etc...but he understood... and had already taken steps to make it right.. And that was how the heart/mind healing began.

The thought of every being a widow had never frightened me. Einstein has taught me alot about taking care of business...my kids and "life" would be ok till we met in the great forever. This moment with our hearts beating against each other and his protective arms around me I knew I would always need him. What if that happened after he died, there is no other heart to set mine at peace...it may cause my heart to explode in fear.

A couple more total freak out fearful moments of "irrational" thinking that he only chuckled and held me.. it can make me cry now to think how painful it was being me for the last two or three weeks. We made a humongous step in understanding and connecting this weekend...

The hurt, the anxiety has left a shadow but it has healed much better than I imagined during the pain of it. Thank you God for know exactly who should be my husband. Thank you for this moment of life.

And now for a SUNDAY SMILE: From LOL CATS

friday 55

Thank you Nikon Sniper for your photo

random to the point

Ida is showering our area and the dark colder temperatures reminds me that I REAAAALLLY DON'T LIKE WINTER. So working out in the yard during the sunshine days last week was especially wonderful. Celebrating our third birthday in a month was very nice. But~well I wore myself out and didn't drink enough water and went down with a UTI. HATE THEM well I hate being sick...Even though my family has been very loving and caring of me.

So today I stayed home and have been one with the laptop. You know there is so much out there to explore and self diagnose.

The newest conspiracy in my scope is one of seeds. I still haven't read everything but you can now order seeds, "survival garden".

Not the greatest with dirt this is very odd to me but it would be a good idea anyway. If we have to grow our own survival garden man, that freaks me out! We will be hungry.

I love growing things. Children are my specialty but I have also grown several cats a couple of dogs and a birds. My indoor plants survive and seem to be doing much better now that I remember to water them. 

My greatest accomplishment in indoor plants is my avocado plant. I started it from seed from an avocado that we ate in a salad. After years of attempts and rotten ucky seeds sitting on my sink this one had a root system start. The excitement was purely personal! When it had 4 leave sprouts it was time to learn the next step. Plant in dirt lightly and leave the top exposed. I moved it to a 6 inch pot and it lived and grew some more. Now it is in a big pot, I believe 12 inch, and it is 3 feet tall and it just freaking makes me happy when I look at it. (I hope it is happy when I stroke its leaves and tell it how amazing it is)

One other great amazing miracle plant is a shamrock. My mother was really good cook, survivor, and plant nurturer. (She also loved her burbon at 5:00pm). When she passed away 10 and a half years ago I took the shamrock plant. I loved it too much and almost killed it in 3 years it had soggy dirt and 4 shamrocks and maybe the hope of one flower. Shamrock was so pitiful that a friend saw it and said 

"Lord Jennifer youre gonna kill that let me take it for a while and get it going again and i will bring it back." 

So she did. It stayed with her for 4 years. Then April 2008 I thought I really missed it and if she had killed it that was ok but I wanted the pot. But I never called her and on Mothers Day she shows up with it and it was healthy and happy. She said she gave up on it and set it on a shelf in the garage. Then March and April she saw it was growing and blooming. She packed it up and said, "Here your mom wants you to try again"

I have repotted it twice! and it is Happy Shamrock.

So maybe if Momma wants us to eat when the seeds of foods have been purposely ruined she will help me plant the survival garden...

here it is! Friday 55!

A fairy of the woodlands, is so  often confused with a pixie.

Her wings allow her to flutter about and pixies are left to their feet.

Warmth of the sun brings  wellbeing to the glow on her face.

Soon she wont  even  be thought  of here under the ivy ..

until the  next warm day…

New attitude..

EWWWweeee I love living in the south.  It was 70 degrees and sunshine and my side yard was yelling for help.  The ivy has consumed everything!  Trees have strategically planted themselves just far enough that I can fear snakes in the ivy and I have let them get too big.

I cut the backyard and pulled young trees and ivy for 2.5 hours.  It felt wonderful!  Yard work seemed such a burden thru the summer because of the bugs, the poison ivy, and the heat!  One of the last vines I was yanking and pulling and grunting about showed THE 3 leaves toward the end of my pull.  Poison ivy demands respect so I finished up and jumped in the shower.

Our first  spring here I took on the bank that had been allowed to be over grown with ivy.  As I pulled up all sorts of vines, bragging that I dont get poison ivy, and wrapped the vines like a cord around my hand to elbows and then twined it.  OMG the stuff was all over me the next 3 days it just kept breaking out in different places but my arms looked so bad that I work long sleeve shirts most the summer.  I thought it was going to leave scares. I haven't given a flip about the bank since then! Damn you bank! be covered in ivy.  One more reason to just hate this dumb house!

This was the third time I have gotten out there in the last 6 months. My Einstein  and I rarely work in the yard together.  We work in the yard and either hope the other wont notice what we have done or if they do they will compliment the work.  I cut some limbs today that hung to the ground and shaded an already very shady backyard.  He may stress but what is going to do DIVORCE ME?  

"Yes Judge Judy, I want a divorce because she cleaned up the backyard!"  Ha, I dont think so!

A couple of hours a day and soon we will see great progress.  Perhaps late fall and winter will be the best times to work out there anyway. 

It felt really good to sweat and work and play in the dirt! and see some things never change.

A Moment of Politics...Time to hear ?

A moment to share that both parties are corrupt and the USA is dire need of defense from within.

Time to listen? Time to look at the website and look at background links for stories.
If Beck and Rush are even a tiny bit telling the truth this administration is frightening....

Interview with Rush

Glenn Beck

Love like a dance...

This past week I have tried to not let my emotions transfer me into a reality that causes me to be disappointed when it clashed with My Einstein’s reality.  It has totally made me aware of how easy it is for me to “create” reality with a “feeling” of joy.  The confidence that comes from feeling “comfortable” can be very intoxicating.  It is a feeling of not being vulnerable but joined in state of mind.

 A woman’s emotions or compassion can color a situation brighter or bleaker than it truly is.   I have read that it is common for a woman to place her sentiments on an event or a person and interpret it thru such a prism of colors.  Often my sentiments are so strong that they are so real and it amazes me that my interpretation can be so off a situation.

No, it is more than jealousy it is distrust that can grow stronger than an over brewed coffee.  All that is heard or observed while in this mood causes small but deep wounds. Tears fall slowly and make such noise when they hit the ground. Then the hearts that were beating as one start beating at opposing rhythms and one questions how the lead of this dance is not noticing the miss beats.

an after note: Showed My Einstein the sculpture and he didnt see ANYTHING! No couple no anything LOL~ I told him well that fits perfectly with this post. I see something so beautifully created by some one far away that mirrors my heart and he cant see the couple! LOL I finally got him to see it! oh me~

(Thank you Google for leading me to an image that was so beautiful at helping me explain visually a state of heart~ Sculpture By Nigel Mackenzie)

Friday 55~

One minute our daughter was with us and the next he showed up during our Christmas gathering.

Never spoke, not even his name..  His eyes were piercing, so eerie. 

One of us would scream, “You’re freaking me out, stop staring!!” Then you would hear a giggle as he knitted.

To learn more about Fun Flash Fiction Friday... check G-Man!

Christmas Ornament Swap

Christmas Ornament Swap

Posted using ShareThis

My house is a very very fine house*really retro

Part of my reason for the blog is to express myself in an other wise unexpressable life. . So I created my heading of a bungalow home I would love.  And decorated a kitchen a long bunch of posts back and now I believe I will decorate either the family room or the bedroom.

See I have found life to be ummm confusing at times.  Especially when I avoid confrontation.  Plus I have teeny tiny paycheck right now so this is the best place for me to do this exp ression of self.  Many  of the pieces I inherited from my mother's "collection" which she inherited or bought at a garage sell, are dear to me.  but honestly some are not.  

This particular piece is not.  She inherited it from her mother when she died in 1960 something.  MANY MANY teenagers, dogs, cats, old people...have sat on this couch and it has held up so nicely.  It is in my "formal" living room (my mother always thought I would love having one but I DO NOT)  I am looking at selling this, and my mother's spirit said it was ok.

This was my GRANDFATHERS stroller.  I sat in once when i was 8 Months old! in 1958 and since then it has simply been a guarded piece in my house.  Again it is in  my "formal" living room which really does look like a museum room.  Filled with dead people pictures and dead people furniture.  (No disrespect, I loved those old dead people when they were alive)

and lastly My grandfathers desk.  Again it is excellent condition but all I do is guard it.  I have discussed with my sister (the power that be) and my kids and told them I wanted to sell these pieces and everyone is alright with the idea.  

If anyone has a good idea on how to decide price on these pieces beside the roadside show LOL I am open to suggestions.  Then I will use the money to fix my family room  or my kitchen  or my bedroom.  Any three of those rooms are used soooo much that it would make my mother happy if I did it.

Nother long day ... thankful for the work though...pedicure in my weekend plans

getting in the mood!

trick! or treat?

After much prodding I have gotten my niece, Kathy, to start blogging.  She is very creative, a wonderful photographer, and has traveled so much she has had to have new pages added to her passport!  Please go by and say hello!  Promise of good stories and beautiful pics!

She already renamed it LOL! now it is going to be http://katexpat.blogspot.com

Love that Picnik!

PM clever thought..well some thoughts :oD

OMG rain and then some rain and yet some more rain!! And its Tuesday and my oldest turned 29 to day…

On my profile on Facebook (yes, I love my facebook because some days that is the ONLY way I can see my kids!)  Anyway I also post or link news/political articles and yes I always get a comment or two but some days I want to say ~ My Profile My Point of View! 

So not in the mood to prepare food and so thankful that I fixed a great Jambalaya dish Sunday!  Heated it up and walllaaa my own Einstein was happy!

Rambling on…Obviously not too many clever thoughts but would you have been interested in "rambling" and going to see if I can learn how to put some thoughts together!

One of the pages for my son’s birthday book that I created thru Shutterfly …well was a John Wayne page.  His boss loves the legend and combined John Wayne pictures and wisdom to create a note for my son…John Wayne, remember him?  I hadn’t thought of him in forever, and honestly stirred some interest in seeing some of his movies again.

Another is Carol Burnett! Loved her! 

I got to see The King and I on Stage in New York in 1977~ starring yul brynner

Is there an Artist you loved as a kid…and well just sorta let slip from the mind? 

AHH homecomings

This is our baby's junior year.  She didnt want us at the home to take pictures, "Its dumb mom, there will be lots of moms and cameras just get some from them." 

After she left my Einstein and I jumped in the car and drove into the culdesac about 20 seconds after her.  She was so surprised when one of her friends said, Hey your parents are here.  

It is always so exciting to be around these kids and their enthusiasm about mostly being together.  I think she was glad we were there also.

Just before we left the parent hosting the picture taking event said, "wow you all are just about done!"  Well I know that she is just clueless because you are never DONE as a parent.  The idea of not being exposed to the high school energy sorta made me melancholy.  It also made me too aware not to take a minute of it for granted and to absorb the energy of the present!  

So that is how I will start this week.  Aware of the present and how it's colors are shaded by the previous experiences.  Life, deep breath in and hold.

friday flash 55 ~ Time

Family Time:

Days like this are far and few between.  

Remember times families lived at least in the same cities.

In our time we have to make time to spend time importantly.

Most times we are doing time at work we treat as important. Recognizing we must make time for those that ARE important ~ soon.

Hmm?

Blabla thursday

Love Thursdays because they are my fridays!  And this week I have worked two part time jobs, which I am so thankful for, but getting tired too.

Ok I am sure that I am the only one hearing the voices in my head.  The ones that make me anxious, or fearful, or just freakin torment me about trust.  I am never lonely though.  Sometimes they get me to do things that I other wise would NEVER do, so they aren't always bad.  Actually maybe they are not bad except when they convince me of something I HAVE to do then it makes me nervous.

Just checked out a fun site suggested by "the new 60" Patti, and well it was pretty darn accurate except the tail part LOL ~ but the photo she has up will brighten any day!

Wordless Wednesday with a Smile

This little lady has always been very dramatic, smart, beautiful...

Horse Apples! and Fishing poles

This past weekend it was time to drive up and see my sister and my niece.  Often, well actually except for the females out here in blog land they are my only girl friends.  I was in dire need of girlfriend time.  


While I was driving toward the interstate the road goes down Old Hickory, yep named for President Andrew Jackson.  This road is so strange it doesnt really connect it just seems to show up all over different areas of the city.  Any way it winds past some very beautiful homes.  The front yards are actually pasture for the cows or their horses.  I dont really think who lives there takes care of the animals they just use them as props and hire someone to look after them.   But it does make for a very nice drive toward I24 from Nashville to Chattanooga.


Several of the pastures were covered in horse apples.  I never see these things except in Nashville.  As soon as I saw them I am transported to younger days, to days when "sleeping genius" and I were kids, young teens.  I can remember thinking they would be fun to throw and getting sticky that seemed would never come off.

My really awesome camera is broken so I am borrowing this picture from another, John Chandler.

As I road down the interstate towards Manchester the rain was falling and it was cold, very dreary looking.  Personally I find Tennessee very ugly in the winter. Their winters are real and they start about now and they get very cold for a very long time.  This point I am thankful to be headed further south, when a car passes me on the left.  It is a compact car with a solo driver.  The back window there is the top of a fishing pole slightly bent.  Obviously the hook is pulled and tucked to hold it and the little float is visible.  

Again, I never see fishing poles around here in the Atlanta area.  They are always handy to drivers in Nashville area though.  Never know when you will see a pond holding fish just begging to be caught ya know!

Nashville well it is a nice place to visit.  Actually very nice things to go visit.  Nashville was my home though for 20 years.  Those years are not really good memories outside of my family.  Kids were cruel and my family was too busy dealing with real life to worry about the kids and how they were treated.  I was thrilled to get out of the city except I did miss my momma sooo much.  My chest gets so heavy as soon as I hit the area.  My asthma is obviously worse, my anxiety, my fears.  But my sister and her niece are still there and I love them.  They are too frightened to drive down here.  They have a phobia for just about everything outside of their small circle of life.  

This past Saturday it was so nice to be leaving.  It was nice to see the horse apples and the fishing poles and see the uniqueness of my life in Nashville.  To be leaving was very nice.

Sleeping Beauty? Or just a B*****

I have decided that well, I am just a f!#%ing batch of nutz!  At least that is the only explaination I can come with for my behavior.  Perhaps Vodak Mom could help me explain it.  This latest communication attempt was over a Cpap.  You know those very stupid machines that you sleep in to keep you from snoring and you wake up for the first time in your life with a good night’s sleep. 

Our bed has very nice mattress with a mattress pad, and then the sheets must be totally wrinkle free, a super flat pillow, oh and the sheets can not be tucked in at the bottom, (it’s too tight pushing on his toes), the blanket can not be too heavy, and he has to sleep nude.  He does snore, he snores some nights till I just leave the room and sleep ANYwhere else.  So, his buds at work (who he has been making fun of) talked him into taking the sleeping test.

At this particular sleep center you are plugged into about 15 wires on your head and of course their bed did not meet any of the requirements.  The next morning he was up at 6 and home by 6:30AM and said he might have slept 2 hours the night. I laughed and tried to NOT insist "I told you so".

They never called him back about that evenings results.  So he called them because the bill he got was about 2500 more than he had been quoted.  In that conversation after he insisted on a result, they told him “Yes Mr, S you do qualify for a Cpap”   

In order to convince me it was a good thing he makes up some crap about a dream he had that he could NOT breath in his sleep and was dieing.  AHH when he woke up he really couldn’t breath and then he opened his mouth.  And then he becomes this great dramatic man about  if there is even the smallest chance that he might get to sleep thru the night it will be worth it.  So he is convinced we must buy one even though he said in the same sentence it does look like a racket, but if he might sleep thru the night he must try it.

It so pissed me off to think of one more thing to put in the bed.  I already have to jump up into the bed because of the added pads.  Oh did I mention that he just bought a very expensive “memory foam” pad!  And now I will have to sleep with mr. deep-dive .  A machine with a motor.

He asked my honest opinion about the idea and I said I would rather spend the money on a desk you promised me if I agreed to a second larger monitor in the family room.  Well, he twisted that whole conversation and quoted me, You would rather I die in my sleep so you can have a new desk.

Now he will be attached to a tube to a mask he will put on his face every night.  Sorry mr romance well, I bought an alarm clock for our guest room.  If and when that machine shows up to become a part of my life

Well, I am moving down the hall.  There will be a door tapper on the out side of it and he can tap and ask if he can sleep with me. 

I am dreaming of the bed down the hall actually…an electric blanket, warm fluffy cover, sheets tucked and snug.  No one doing gymnastics looking for a wrinkle free zone.  And he will be up the hall sleeping attached to a machine? NO he will be up there deciding that this too was a dumb way to spend money but he will NEVER admit to it.  And I will have one more “treasure” collected.

Sleeping beauty will actually be down the hall happy for the quiet room to herself!

a martian has my husband? nope that is him

My husband he speaks a different language and I dont understand it.  So I smile and nod.
Oh folks I try speaking back but he tilts his head and has this "you're not from here" look on his face. 
Our daughter can say the same thing he smile and says, OHHH ok!

I have always wanted to be married to a martian...soon after my childhood I realized that is what would make me most happy.  To find a martian that thinks completely different than I do now that would make me extatic!

I knew the right one had found me when he "proposed" and the confusion began immediately! He said, "you wanna go with me to my new job in Idaho?"  I really thought it could mean just go live with him or it could mean marry him.  So of course, as any woman seaking a martian, I said, "Yea".  And we continued watching our movie!

Ahh life is good, we still dont get it! and when we do it is an "AHHH" experience! because it is exact opposite of what the other meant or wanted! Totally rocks man totally!

Chatty 55

Cathy, my little friend at age five, loved to talk

My big sister was a bully; no meaner

One day she got mad.

Chatty Cathy so close,

F~L~E~W;

Cracking her head against the wall.

Her eye balls fell out.

Her words now slurred.

Little friend Cathy ~I cried Boo Hoo

Spark..Sam..Smile

My first born is about to turn 29.  Some of you may think that is very very old and some of you may think that is still a baby.  Regardless, he is my oldest and he has survived many of his parents' own firsts as well.


My Mother use to say, Your first child is sorta like your first pancake, just not cooked quiet right and usually worth throwing out!  ( I always loved this quote because I was my mothers last of three)  And I can quote her because it was always very evident how close her and my oldest sister were.

But reading thru a blog this morning (thank you Patti) I had a spark of an idea for my own.  If I don't jot down these notes I will forget this spark by this afternoon when I can have the time to write!
Cliff Hanger! has to do with Sam and Recovery


Ah now the morning rush is done and it is late afternoon.  The skies are so gray and heavy with rain.  Most importantly though is I am home alone~  So I will finish my morning thought...


Sam is a very good man, he was a good kid.  Being the first born holds a lot of expectations and dreams of others! He went  very gothic on us in high school.  Experiencing our first teen we wondered what we had done wrong because all the things we did that we knew were right were not putting him on the path we wanted him on. We were going to make him perfect Ha! Feel free to chuckle all of you that have experienced this naiveté.  
Only thing I did know for certain was there was not much we could do after he started college to change his mind or attitude.  Very honestly I was worn out trying to move a mind as hard as Atlanta's Stone Mountain.  I had 3 other children to take care of and his younger brother was right behind him in even more "mischief".   

So lets jump ahead to oh, when he was 25.  

Through some very colorful events I found myself in a family program for addicts.  We had to attend 2 meetings a week for 8 weeks, one with the addict and one with Alanon.  


Sam and I walked into that first meeting together and I will admit I was scared of those around me.  I was so pissed off that I was having to do this with a child of mine.  After all I had survived being raised in an alcoholic home.  My survival had gone a step farther...I had given our kids the best we could do for them.  I had been very open and honest with them about their gene pool.  


It was fall because I remember the leaves made too much noise walking into the building.  All the emotion that brewed and stormed inside was completely invisible on the outside.  He was so embarrassed by the notion that we had to attend these and surround ourselves with "those" people. All I wanted to do was show him love and support. 


As we sat in that first circle of broken-hearted humanity I wondered how this was all going to turn out for us and them.  The leader spoke an introduction about addictions, all addictions.  The more he spoke the more relaxed I became.  It was so affirming.  So easy to embrace the psychology of the games we had learned to play back in my home of origin.  It was like someone using Windex on a window that had been completely covered in dry, wind blown dirt.
When we left that first night Sam apologized that I had had to come.  With a very large smile on my face and a heart filled with gratitude that I know he didnt understand, I replied, "Sam, dont be sorry.  These are MY people.  These with broken hearts, broken families, broken dreams, we came from the very same neighborhood. I want to thank you for asking me to come.  I look forward to the healing that will come from this."  


I hugged him.  He was confused but relived that I had such a positive attitude, and defiantly said, "they are NOT my people"  


Footnote: He finished that 2 year program with out a hitch.  His parents did as well.  And we are all better for it. He hates that he lost 3 years of his life, I am just thankful he didnt loose his life.  He is living again, and most often with a smile on his face.  People, humanity is so resourceful at covering hurt, pain, defeat.  Many will go to extremes to make it stop, or to cover up their own vulnerability...I do believe that is one very common thread in all of our unique yet similar lives.

Home again jiggity jig

She bought me a ticket to Penn State

Her son, my great nephew, plays soccer

He escorted us around the college town, 

treating us both like we must be wearing our crowns.

Manners like his are rare now a days.

so I had to write this small essay!

T'You Both

The Space Between...

OMG! I spent two days in a quandary over the tension between my husband and I.  Wondering all sorts of wonderful things…like will it ever be good between us again, is going to leave me, is he going to yell at me some more?  I had my protective gear on by 4:30 and ready to tell him ok if you are not thru being mad at me could you PLEASE get it over with…He got home early met me at the stairs and apologizes!  With an immediate sigh of relief I wanted to punch him! And he knew it!  Said he really didn’t know why he was being a butt head.  Well I do but we wont go there this morning.

Anyway it got me thinking about so many things.  Like could I make it on my own? Would I want to live like this forever?  How did I get here?  Course some of you may say “you think of that crap all the time” LOL

My daughter, a sophomore in college, got a job promotion! Yep, she has been at the same place since she was 16 and has proven her communication skills are very amazing.  They want to train her to be an assistant to the head of marketing..eventually traveling to meet with clients, leading conferences, writing more marketing material.  I was really thrilled for her because she is one of those that has lots of gifts and my favorite of hers is that she can is a fabulous writer and speaker so of course she wants to major in Biotechnology!

To watch her put together papers over the years it has just blown my mind.  I really pushed the writing  even though she showed great talent in math and sciences which her dad really pushed LOL..but if I could write with that kind of flow and passion well, I would be making money in that field instead of pouring up freakin dental models. 

Thankful that I have at least one thing I can do that makes $16.00 an hour ya know but good LORD this is just NOT what I want to do forever. 

 Photography is from Nikon Sniper  a creative Photographer with very different perspectives! 

The space between…is a title of a Dave Matthews song.  That is where I want to write from.  The fourth dimension of life; the comical sarcastic and sometimes tearful side of discovering who you are in relation to those around you.   The picture that is visible is often so different from what is going on underneath the skin of people.  The swirl of emotions behind what is said and done.

I am going out of town today.  Not taking my lap top! (better get my Friday 55 done huh?)  I will be taking a journal and jotting notes of life from the the trip…starting with leaving home, the airport, the nerves it takes for me to do this trip, the time with a niece and her son and many college kids! As we stay on campus to watch her son play soccer.  And the flight home, and return to my life.  I hope to find colors of life and comical making them real. 

One thing for sure I will return to a messy house.  I have to just accept that if the kitchen is tidy to be happy to expect NOTHING more!   Ok now I must ponder my Friday 55 and hope to have time to throw it up here before I leave this afternoon.