Ahh this craziness will not capture me :~)

Consider seriously how quickly people change, and how little trust is to be had in them. So

hold fast to God, Who does not change. — St. Teresa of Avila

Found this sweet little quote this morning after looking for reassurance that life will survive this presidential administration.

This week my oldest daughter shared  a  english paper she had to write, "a single event that changed your life for ever"  Hers was of course on her total rebellion to fly off to Italy at the age of 18! and it was very touching to hear in her own words what she was trying to capture that year (we had set soo many high expectations of her and she had lied to make us think she was striving for them as well) But the best part was where she wrote that after 5 months there the dream, the fantasy had faded to reality.  All she ever really needed was here.   Mind you it was a light of maturity shining thru some harsh words and disappointments on both sides...but I think she might eventually truely understand the pain.

That said- I thought what a beautiful opportunity to write on such an event* So today as I wander thru my very boring job and wonder what my real grown up job will be...I will ponder this * Because at 51 years old I have more than one! But the most recent would have to be my life changing event of H*I*K*I*N*G

Gotta hit the showers now! later

well i figured this much!

well I got this far with posting a scrap book..listening to John Prine and really enjoying it and all the music off my Robert Earl keene Pandora radio!  man if all these things were available when i was a teen-young adult i never ever would be the person i am today (good or bad)

also went on and humbled myself enough to ask for an appetite suppressant (very humiliating to me) SO tired of being 45 pounds over weight and tired of being too tired--second day using them and they work! and they are NOT like speed.  Just help me control my appetite.

House work is hell ya know and when you finally surrender to the chore it does smell and look so good you wonder why you dreaded it for so long ;o) sorta like exercise, generally taking of yourself!  guess human nature just makes us lazy..

where did the days of my youth go?  where did my oldest children grow up?  Why was that soooo hard to do for me- My mother died 10 years ago this May-my oldest son graduated from high school 10 years ago man and my second son was being a teenager on the wilder side.  If I could have frozen time or just seperated events alittle.  Oh hell you cant---

Then began my most conservative period of my life...fear of everything took over and overprotection was my duty!  My own esteem crumbled to resemble broken porcelain left on the floor.  Marriage was growing into the most incredible burden/cross/lonesomeness I had never known...relationships with my 2nd son suffered the most...and then with my 3 child, our oldest daughter going in to middle school --> highschool. Me and my family were never gonna be holy and all were disappointing Christ.

Moving forward to our 28th year of marriage-some people came into our lives *thanks to our oldest sons felony charges!  AA meetings, Alanon, my own personal life coach, and a fellow worker  began to unravel the shroud i had placed over my life...

I also found a couple of books that really brought light into my eyes again- and they were hiking adventures... so the energy began to build and now...imagine how exciting the next 10 years are gonna be F*E*A*R*L*E*S*S

a suggestion from a friend

I was with a group of wonderful ladies last night and told a couple of hiking adventures that my husband and I have had. In talking about our trips out my heart races, and thumps because I love it out there with him. Those backpacking trips have done wonders for our relationship and our marriage. It was suggested that I write about trails for married couples. that was very stimulating and exciting! Course i came home and shared that with him and he immediately says something about getting out there again. He can kill a moment with his lack of humor but we fixed it before it got too bad.

So ideas have been swarming around, maybe there is a book for beginning writers that is easy to find .... maybe i should just start with an out line? hmmm so I decided to just blog it and let it morph right here Time will have to be found, and a how to book may still be an excellent idea.

hiking and life/marriage are so very similar. The trails make physically and visually clear what relationships with people and our own lives is like. Lets start with a dry heart and soul ~ my own after 29 years of marriage, mothering, surrendering my own desires to just make things flow nicely for the family. I was not worth fighting over. Then looking down my own path and seeing that 50 birthday approaching denial was no longer possible...before i die i want to live, love, and laugh.

The amazing adventure of unhappiness began with several self help books and wierd stores ( why do I always think the wierd might have the answers LOL) new age stores, a few of their ideas but really didnt like em but man when I read that hiking tale...now that started my care for myself ideas. Obviously looking around my world, marriage had not made me happy, it had made me very lonesome and depressed. My kids had turned on me, my as healthy young adults do but I had thought mine would be different. My faith had left mostly a dribble of hope in my heart and a zillion + 2 questions! And i no longer had a clue who i was, who i had wanted to be, but i KNEW that i was going to take care to find me no matter what. even if it meant tearing things apart....so it began

paradox of life.

No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy, even bored solitude in the wilderness, finding himself depending solely on himself and thereby learning his true and hidden strength.-Jack Kerouac
i think i may have to look this fellow up...discovery quotes on google led me to this quote.
here i sit at 51 at a job that really doesnt interest me so that i can pay the bills. i really feel a calling to write, read, discover. perhaps share ideas that will help others think...but i have also discovered in my mid adult life that every one really thinks they know it all and are not completely open to other ideas.

but as soon as i pull up to the parking lot of fellow trail lovers my heart races with excitement. putting on that backpack and knowing that every thing i will need for the 24 to 48 hours better be in it! seems to make the cosmos in my head line up perfectly LOL!

when my husband and i are out there together there is a simple joy of life and love, nothing in the world exists but us and the trail and we truly walk it together. strength, encouragement, adoration for life as we see it, health, time all are well defined and felt. we are in for moments like this NOW...plan a trip, and look for a job that i truly feel alive in...

a person...lost

I would love to be able to sit and just meditate on who I am...what my talents are. The Movement did give me a great deal of identity and confidence in at least them. As I go to work today I am going to look for signs of who i am...back later

I do not like the president

president- I dont like him, he lies and manipulates with his words and I cant stand to listen to him.  Dare others to listen to Rush or to Glenn Beck...challenge the man with pretty words and beware of a PiedPiper 

trust...so fragile

Trust. Once chipped or totally broken it does great hurt.  Lies of a son or daughter hurt no less than the lies of a priest.  The lies of the president divide the country and even several family have gotten angered by opinion. Maybe I just dont know what to do when someone disagrees with me.

any rate as I separate myself from a movement that has been a part of my life for about 10+ years, and learn a new dimension of relationship with my adult children and my newly found place in my immediate family the trust issue came up boldly in my reflections.

It is hard not to harden my heart and protect it from outside pain.  It is hard to have this all mixed up in my head and heart with no one to really talk to that will agree with me.  

*i have to find christ again and I can do that with his mother* i will be back to ponder more.

 

"Life is a lie you ve got to rise above"

2009 was beginning to look so joyfilled - at least in my home.  Then the new president took office.

After a very nice meal and easy conversation we moved into the family room.  My new evening pass time is my computer :) for info, games, communication with outta state family.... and then the conversation turned to POLITICS.  The three of us kept on down this very dangerous road because we disagree.  When suddenly it turned passionate.  The two women in the room discussed it as women will, lots of yelling trying to talk over each other...at a

ny rate the younger one always out does her mother in drama (and debating which makes me yell louder) and she dramatically left.  My husband turns to me and says..."Why did you do that, why cant you just listen to her, You did that ..." So I assured in a very dramatic way as well that I really appreciated him talking to me that way and that I would never talk to hiim again'....

And that is how the last 48 hours has been.  Oh my daughter and I apologized and moved on but husband is still trying to punish me for the words I spoke with cold shoulder.  

I miss him.  We had just found a level in our relationship that we hadnt experienced in such a long time.  Quickly he showed me that the daughter was more important to him than I was, and how quickly everything we had worked for in the last 5 months can crumble in an instant. Damn.  Thank you daughter for coming over and stirring up a pot and then LEAVING.  was the last 5 months a lie? or is the present situation

Then we learned this week that a founding priest of a movement with in the Catholic Church led a "double life".  All lies... Now we cant talk about that because husband is still mad about the daughter event. 

So here I am, with my blog page and a mug filled with coffee- what is life about? that same question puzzles me most of my adult life.  Every time I think I am going to catch the answer, it fades just within finger grasp.

Writing was a passion of mine when I was lots younger, and I was seeking to polish it up when love tripped me and sent me down another path (well thats alie but it is too complicated).  reflecting on the other evening it becomes very clear that the desire to put into words the emotions that well up in my heart is too limited.  

* Real emotions over the choice of president- he is a socialist, a liberal, and inexperienced

To be able to convey that information to a daughter! to any one is risking that relationship.

*To put your trust in anyman other than Christ is going to be filled with lies.  But since Christ is nt truely able to sit in front of me and talk the trust of his Holy Spirit leading us is suppose to be in those we are closest to.

*Those that you love the most are the one most difficult to be close to.*

*Most of my life has been filled with lies and more certainly more questions that answers.  and why is that?  Why is your life filled with purposely misleading when all your looking for is the answer.

So am my lif now is it really to be spent with this cold shoulder and distant daughter, is my day to be consummed with suspicion and no relationship with those I love the most?  Why isnt life making sense to me.