Where have I been?

Amazing, but this blog has been on my mind A LOT.  The folks I interact with and those I wish I knew. The words that swirl about inside my head looking for a crack to slip through.
"that would be a great entry"
"who wants to read my insanity"  "look for the perfect words to describe perfectly and they wont think you're insane they will think you're wise"
"maybe people are tired of such foolish wisdom and will relate to my imperfect world"

I began to withdraw from here because I found it was much too easy to share myself with people I don't know.  The most important relationship of my lifetime was too difficult and fragile.

Almost a year ago I realized how fragile the human life is and the man that I should feel so safe and confident with well, we weren't that close and one of us could die.  My lifetime soul mate could never know who I am.  Worse actually is that I may not know him!   So this past year I weaned myself from cyber world relationships and moved as close as my Einstein would let me.

Anxiety that would grip and paralyzed my thoughts and movements. Shear panic of massive proportions.  All that was important was him next to me, or at least his voice.  What had I spent the last 10 - `12 years of our lives doing?  We lived together, we said, "I love you" but I had shelled myself in a protective coat that didnt let any of the bad out and no good in either.  We had become total strangers.

Time, time has become so important, and yet I realize how much I still waste.  But for know things and life are good.  Not perfect, but good and real.  I have not only remodeled some important relationships but also the very physical looks of our home.
The transformation is amazing if I say so myself! ~;oD and the light, very real light, shines thru now.  We are both much happier at home with each other.
NOW...I want to step back out here and share the daily experience of learning to live the insane real life!