one place I visited

Some days I cant find any words in my head, absolutely none!  And I avoid this place with anything.  Just about one year ago I started having really bad panic attacks.  The insecurity, the fear, well it was amazing to me how quickly they paralyzed any confidence in self.  My goal was to work through them and keep them from shrinking my world.  So with a very patient husband I would battle daily, and sometimes hourly to work through them.  There were mornings that I would almost purposely trigger one just because the mind amazes me and the ridiculous fear was heart stopping.  Why was my mind being so stupid and why was I letting it!

One morning my husband had to leave town for work for an entire week.  I was so freaked that I went and bought him a cell phone. He may be the last human on the planet with out a cell!  The morning he left, I KNEW without any doubt that I had to do something to keep my mind SO busy.  The answer was, kitchen make over!! And I couldnt tell him what I was doing because he is a perfectionist and rarely has positive opinions about anything!  This would be a project that would have to be done in 4 days!

Well the "breakfast nook" got completely stripped and painted in four days.  I stood on the tallest ladder in the world to reach up to the ceiling.  Most days I was up there for at least 8-10 hours.

But it worked! I only had one really bad event and it was because I couldnt get in touch with Mr. Personality!

Slowly I made it thru that winter and moved on into spring.  With the warm weather and the sun, my strength returned.  And I continued to stay busy.

This past weekend we celebrated a birthday for our daughter.  She turned 21 and I finished the freaking kitchen!

wisdom, too many questions unanswered

Is there such a thing? Does anyone have the piece of wisdom they need when they need it? Does anyone truly listen to another's experience  and gain wisdom? 

You can probably say yes to some of those questions some of the time.  But as a mother of 4 adult children, and  50+ years of experience I say no to them most of the time.  Just the past 4 days have given me ample thinking material, but little wisdom to share or learn.  Life, in just these  4 most recent days, has shown how quickly it can change in both the physical, emotional, relational. 

Four days ago, having learned of the sudden and unexpected death of a friend from blog~land.  He was my age and shared his wisdom of cooking and marriage with me.  I was certain he simply didnt understand my predicament but he did make me laugh and ponder with his replies.

Another death, a boy of 15 years, took his own life.  The thoughts of this seemingly happy kid, with super brains, and "tremendous faith"  taking his own life completely confused me.  What is in the human mind?  

Obviously, he didn’t think about  his mother that would find him.  

Obviously, he thought she and his family would "get over it" and be able to inhale everyday with out him?   Obvously, he didn’t think things thru the present at all.  He was suppose to be in the bathroom getting ready for a classmates 16th birthday!  Such incredible sadness, selfishness, anger...Sadness.  This child's actions have sucked the breath from all that went to school with him…and their families. 

Proving:  no one really KNOWS anything

Anxious to see our busy adult children, a dinner was planned at the home front.  Sorry but it will have to be done in shifts because one is too angry at another's words and hardheadedness.  Ok, well, this time but you all have got to get on with life because we cant do this much longer. 

Proving: siblings can hold on to anger unlike any one else

"Mom, you want to do lunch?  I am taking Monday off from work."  These words use to make me nervous, and especially from this young man, because he is very selfish with his time.  But not this time.  I knew he just wanted to have some time with his mom.   He almost apologizes for not having a girlfriend, or marriage plans and being 28 years old.  How do I tell him marriage is hard, and can rob you of lots of things.  I just tell him I just don’t want him to grow old and be alone, or lonely.  Right now, I don’t see that he will ever be either one.  He has a generous heart and knows himself far better than most and certainly better than I know myself.

Lion hearted, Valiant  Son called later in the evening and tells me to look for a place on the beach for us to all go to for Christmas….his treat. 

Proving:  our children, do we ever really know them?

That same evening my dear husband, my domineering spouse, shows me one too many times that he can do things better than I can.  It is very hard to hold on to any self confidence unless I detach emotionally.  And to detach emotionally I get lonely and left behind quickly.  He even admits that he will quickly give himself an "A" but I will never get much more than "a high B".  When I bring this to his attention he laughs and says," Hmmm, good question.  I don’t know why but it's true."

Needless to say the emotional turmoil suffered starting here is unlike any have known~ I feel certain that most in this situation would not suffer at all!

Proving: Spousal love, love, can hurt fastest, easiest, most painfully, and still, Do we ever really know each other?

Then…24 hours ago.   Enterprising~Daughter  lets me know that she wants  to have a birthday lunch and NOT invite one of her siblings.  My heart is broken.  I weep and try not to bellow in pain.  "that is not an option" , I understand the anger, frustration…but my wisdom says "family totally fucks up sometimes and you will too someday" 

Proving:  Love in family is not like a grocery store.  You can choose your friends but not your family!

So, the all of Tuesday was spent in easy to spill over tears, and "what am I going to do"'s.  How about a note to all of my children, "due to personalities beyond my control, birthdays and other family gatherings are canceled till further notice"  and then some more tears, heart ache.   NOTE: not once did my DDH (dear, domineering husband) call. 

But by the end of the day my dear enterprising daughter did call and say, "ok, how about I personally invite my brother and his girlfriend, my exbest friend, to lunch, via text"  I told her it would make me very very happy, and all I could ask her to do.

Mean while Lionhearted son has called to let me know why he didn’t respond my emails about the trip, he was very busy at work after taking Monday off, and he would probably be just as busy on Wednesday.  Please send the emails though because he does look at them and he will get back with after work about a plan.  (One of my shared slivers of wisdom to him was in regards to him believing he is too selfish to marry.  I told him he was no more selfish than any other person, that we all really rather do it our selves our own way and that never changes very much at all!)

Proving:  I for one can gain immeasurable self confidence from others! and lose it as well!!  I can spend a whole day in heart ache, and no one will know it.  

So here we are in Wednesday, another day ticking away.  Our youngest daughter, heardheaded more than any! Our own artist, has said about 30 words since her class mate died. Part of me truly wants to hold her because I know her heart hurts but she is certainly not a cuddle bug.  

Proving Love is the most puzzling of all.  Greatest joy, greatest pain.  all dimensions all levels have pain included.  family Love is as unique as the family it is in, Love doesnt include appreciation of the individual, but of what the other can bring to the relationship.  While we proclaim love can make us selfless, well I believe, It isn't selfless, it selfish.

As I work thru the past three days and have mostly normal dramas and personalities my heart simply feels grief for the family that has to put themselves together after losing a child at his own hands.  

God, if you listen at all, please embrace this family, and their friends and give them grace to inhale and find joy again. 

But then I also have to admit that I wish that for all families, that each member can look each other and appreciate the unique beauty of their relatives and be glad they are relatives! they are FAMILY~ 

Where have I been?

Amazing, but this blog has been on my mind A LOT.  The folks I interact with and those I wish I knew. The words that swirl about inside my head looking for a crack to slip through.
"that would be a great entry"
"who wants to read my insanity"  "look for the perfect words to describe perfectly and they wont think you're insane they will think you're wise"
"maybe people are tired of such foolish wisdom and will relate to my imperfect world"

I began to withdraw from here because I found it was much too easy to share myself with people I don't know.  The most important relationship of my lifetime was too difficult and fragile.

Almost a year ago I realized how fragile the human life is and the man that I should feel so safe and confident with well, we weren't that close and one of us could die.  My lifetime soul mate could never know who I am.  Worse actually is that I may not know him!   So this past year I weaned myself from cyber world relationships and moved as close as my Einstein would let me.

Anxiety that would grip and paralyzed my thoughts and movements. Shear panic of massive proportions.  All that was important was him next to me, or at least his voice.  What had I spent the last 10 - `12 years of our lives doing?  We lived together, we said, "I love you" but I had shelled myself in a protective coat that didnt let any of the bad out and no good in either.  We had become total strangers.

Time, time has become so important, and yet I realize how much I still waste.  But for know things and life are good.  Not perfect, but good and real.  I have not only remodeled some important relationships but also the very physical looks of our home.
The transformation is amazing if I say so myself! ~;oD and the light, very real light, shines thru now.  We are both much happier at home with each other.
NOW...I want to step back out here and share the daily experience of learning to live the insane real life!