lovin a good buzz and a good jam!

everyday ~

every day starts the same, wake up before the alarm goes off, get my coffee and come sit on the couch to see if something out in internet world will inspire me to change into the person i think i really am.

most afternoons i come in from work and go straight to the computer as well again to see if anyone out there noticed who i am. sometimes i am gifted a comment or email that makes me smile and believe i am making progress.

i believe the person i am really suppose to be is petite in all areas of life. i love to practice yoga daily, actually cant go a day with out time on my mat. maternal love swells in me when dinner time rolls around cause i know that i am going to please my family with a simple, tasty meal. i have a gift for explaining what i want to others and they respond, with a positive attitude, with at least suggestion on how we will accomplish. i love to garden and actually get out and garden, encourage my husband to get to the over grown shrubs and miss shaped trees and even the trees in the gutters.

i really am stuck and at 51 that really pisses me off. i don't do any of these things. i haven't encouraged anyone to do something i wanted them to with out death threats. i stopped making suggestion to my husband about decluttering (even though he has 1/2 a garage, a workshop, a bedroom and a wet bar FILLED with unneeded junk), i stopped saying tooooo much about the yard because it and the clutter brings about the greatest aggression in us both.

dinner time finds me exhausted and completely clueless about what i want to fix for dinner. "lets have pizza yall". but some how my mother (way back in late 60's and into 1970's) would catch a bus (no matter the weather) work 8 hours, catch the bus again walk home, take a 10-15 min nap, fix her bourbon and water drink and cook a full course dinner, mow the grass, wash the clothes, or whatever needed to be done. she bitched only when we (myself and two nieces and a nephew that were living with us cause THEIR mother was doing what she wanted to do!) would not unload and load the dish washer. she never ever wanted our help in the kitchen (which could be why i don't know how to put a meal together)

i drive to work in my own car that is parked in a garage, work, now, 5 hours, go home and do maybe laundry and maybe think of some great thing for dinner.

omg! my life, the way i am living my life is driving me insane!

our 4th and our last child graduates in 2 years 2011 (omg! what a number) i really really want to sell out of suburbia and buy a small condo in the city and a small home in the mountains. we will have to work forever and i am really ok with that (he is not but he is accepting). so we will have to have a place near work but our real home would be 1 to 1.5 hours away.

our condo would have a nice patio on it that we can container garden. our cats would be happy to sun next to a large sliding glass door. (someone left their rescued cat in our sun room so now i have two thanks dd). then on thursdays we would pack 'em up and head up out.

oh and the real me has the courage to do what she has to do to make her life as she sees it. for instance, fearlessly she grabs the over grown bush and uproots it and plants her small flowers and containers of plants near the front door to welcome her guests. but most importantly i will pack my bags and really leaves cause i have told him this stuff is making me insane.

but this is what i do every day. look at houses, dream of life in those houses, imagine true simplicity in my day filled with personal courage, creativity, and love. i look at homes in the mountains and have a favorite. i really really love this house, the natural environment around it, the porch on it. i found this house at "Nikon Sniper" blog, yep right here in blog land ~

yesterday i spent one hour on the laptop etching out and "planting" on a free interactive landscaping site. my front door looks perfect on it ~

maybe that is the transformation this blog space needs to become for me, perhaps it can help me etch out what i desire for me. lots of middle aged, (i use to think 50+ was just damn old) write out what is in their heads and hearts and their lives change to what they desired.

hell, i got to do a spell check, drink some coffee, and take my daughter to the airport so she can spend the next 3 weeks hanging with her best friend and her family. living their lives to the fullest and freakin watch from edges.

the real me, well i have done a mini yoga moment, written a very creative piece for my blog, and now hopping in the shower to encourage my daughter to enjoy life and make it what she wants it to be for her! ~ at least i got the shower and push for my daughter ;0)

AHHAAAHA get so tired of...

Another Monday gone shew..but one more monday completely wasted and wished away ...I will want it back that last day here. I will say damn why did I wast those days and wish them away.

tired of working so hard to not work hard at: dieting, being healthy, cleaning house, dreaming of a wonderful yard filled with beautiful flowers...

tired of reading others blogs and liking them better. Seeing their creativity and measuring mine against it and ALWAYS coming up so damn short ~HA~ which leads me to tired of really being TOO short LOL another couple inches and I wouldnt be TALL for sure but I would be less fat LOL

tired of relationships in general. they take a lot of effort and wear me out. they are certainly the most important things in my life but i feel as though i am the only one aware of how important they are...

tired of going to a job that isnt what i want to be doing and smiling and hating my tiny little paycheck because my hours have been cut ~ then working more to get the work completed and knowing I will only be paid for 20 cause good paying business is so slow.

tired of looking for a job and wondering if it is something in my resume or just because i am a freakin "senior" that i am not getting at least a call back...

tired of this house w/ 5 bedrooms and rooms being filled with stuff! that i dont even want ~ I inherited when my mother died and the mother guilt and lack of grandchildren or even children that would want it ~ wanting to get it fixed up and usable but NO money cause back to that damn job I really dont like with the little paycheck.

tired oh so tired of the administration right now it worries me to death that americans have become so complacent ~ it worries me that socialism is walking right into our country with a hand up from the clueless people

*it scares me that defense of our nation and her people is not even in the top 20 priorities for BHO! Windmills are! what the hell are we gonna do with windmills when the bombs start going for us*

tired of circles in my life ~ most especially the thinking circles~ cause they lead to living circles.

see there goes the creak in the floor to let me know my husband is up now and "my quiet" is done for now....

probably good because I am musing the same old thoughts ~