Is there such a thing? Does anyone have the piece of wisdom they need when they need it? Does anyone truly listen to another's experience and gain wisdom?
You can probably say yes to some of those questions some of the time. But as a mother of 4 adult children, and 50+ years of experience I say no to them most of the time. Just the past 4 days have given me ample thinking material, but little wisdom to share or learn. Life, in just these 4 most recent days, has shown how quickly it can change in both the physical, emotional, relational.
Four days ago, having learned of the sudden and unexpected death of a friend from blog~land. He was my age and shared his wisdom of cooking and marriage with me. I was certain he simply didnt understand my predicament but he did make me laugh and ponder with his replies.
Another death, a boy of 15 years, took his own life. The thoughts of this seemingly happy kid, with super brains, and "tremendous faith" taking his own life completely confused me. What is in the human mind?
Obviously, he didn’t think about his mother that would find him.
Obviously, he thought she and his family would "get over it" and be able to inhale everyday with out him? Obvously, he didn’t think things thru the present at all. He was suppose to be in the bathroom getting ready for a classmates 16th birthday! Such incredible sadness, selfishness, anger...Sadness. This child's actions have sucked the breath from all that went to school with him…and their families.
Proving: no one really KNOWS anything
Anxious to see our busy adult children, a dinner was planned at the home front. Sorry but it will have to be done in shifts because one is too angry at another's words and hardheadedness. Ok, well, this time but you all have got to get on with life because we cant do this much longer.
Proving: siblings can hold on to anger unlike any one else
"Mom, you want to do lunch? I am taking Monday off from work." These words use to make me nervous, and especially from this young man, because he is very selfish with his time. But not this time. I knew he just wanted to have some time with his mom. He almost apologizes for not having a girlfriend, or marriage plans and being 28 years old. How do I tell him marriage is hard, and can rob you of lots of things. I just tell him I just don’t want him to grow old and be alone, or lonely. Right now, I don’t see that he will ever be either one. He has a generous heart and knows himself far better than most and certainly better than I know myself.
Lion hearted, Valiant Son called later in the evening and tells me to look for a place on the beach for us to all go to for Christmas….his treat.
Proving: our children, do we ever really know them?
That same evening my dear husband, my domineering spouse, shows me one too many times that he can do things better than I can. It is very hard to hold on to any self confidence unless I detach emotionally. And to detach emotionally I get lonely and left behind quickly. He even admits that he will quickly give himself an "A" but I will never get much more than "a high B". When I bring this to his attention he laughs and says," Hmmm, good question. I don’t know why but it's true."
Needless to say the emotional turmoil suffered starting here is unlike any have known~ I feel certain that most in this situation would not suffer at all!
Proving: Spousal love, love, can hurt fastest, easiest, most painfully, and still, Do we ever really know each other?
Then…24 hours ago. Enterprising~Daughter lets me know that she wants to have a birthday lunch and NOT invite one of her siblings. My heart is broken. I weep and try not to bellow in pain. "that is not an option" , I understand the anger, frustration…but my wisdom says "family totally fucks up sometimes and you will too someday"
Proving: Love in family is not like a grocery store. You can choose your friends but not your family!
So, the all of Tuesday was spent in easy to spill over tears, and "what am I going to do"'s. How about a note to all of my children, "due to personalities beyond my control, birthdays and other family gatherings are canceled till further notice" and then some more tears, heart ache. NOTE: not once did my DDH (dear, domineering husband) call.
But by the end of the day my dear enterprising daughter did call and say, "ok, how about I personally invite my brother and his girlfriend, my exbest friend, to lunch, via text" I told her it would make me very very happy, and all I could ask her to do.
Mean while Lionhearted son has called to let me know why he didn’t respond my emails about the trip, he was very busy at work after taking Monday off, and he would probably be just as busy on Wednesday. Please send the emails though because he does look at them and he will get back with after work about a plan. (One of my shared slivers of wisdom to him was in regards to him believing he is too selfish to marry. I told him he was no more selfish than any other person, that we all really rather do it our selves our own way and that never changes very much at all!)
Proving: I for one can gain immeasurable self confidence from others! and lose it as well!! I can spend a whole day in heart ache, and no one will know it.
So here we are in Wednesday, another day ticking away. Our youngest daughter, heardheaded more than any! Our own artist, has said about 30 words since her class mate died. Part of me truly wants to hold her because I know her heart hurts but she is certainly not a cuddle bug.
Proving Love is the most puzzling of all. Greatest joy, greatest pain. all dimensions all levels have pain included. family Love is as unique as the family it is in, Love doesnt include appreciation of the individual, but of what the other can bring to the relationship. While we proclaim love can make us selfless, well I believe, It isn't selfless, it selfish.
As I work thru the past three days and have mostly normal dramas and personalities my heart simply feels grief for the family that has to put themselves together after losing a child at his own hands.
God, if you listen at all, please embrace this family, and their friends and give them grace to inhale and find joy again.
But then I also have to admit that I wish that for all families, that each member can look each other and appreciate the unique beauty of their relatives and be glad they are relatives! they are FAMILY~
