Movin Right Along

This week we marked our 30 years of marriage! That is a life time. We have known each other since we were 12ish and lived 2 doors down from each other. The experiences we shared before we married were often the glue that held us together thru the low low low points. It has not been easy but it has been very rewarding. Lots of mis-communication; misunderstanding; and often total confusion! How can two people that have alot in common find two very different ways of getting to a goal (wait- do we have goals?) In all honesty its very easy to see where he went wrong SO many times but what has been so humbling is to see ALL the ways I went wrong and he never spoke of it. So sometimes his quiet demeanor kept us together while my demands and expectations kept us movin. These first 30 years have been very hard but now we have 3 out of 4 kids up and out on there own and we held on thru their turbulence and that wasn't easy either.

Today we leave on a 5 day hike/camping trip. As if staying married and raising three kids and losing 3 of our parents wasnt hard enough now we are gonna hike and camp. It has been a trip we have planned for more than we have ever planned for anything. And I am so very excited. Getting on the trails has proved to be very healthy for us as a couple and for our stiff out of shape bodies. Which by the way I look at and cant believe thats us? WOW I didnt know we had changed so much.

Our future looks good- I do think it will be a very different next 30 years. and as much as I never want any of my children to spend their lives alone with out a spouse- it is very peaceful to not have in-laws to deal with right now. We are taking this time to reestablish connections with our oldest boys and continue to nurture our daughters thru school. I hope one day they realize how much they have always meant to their parents. Their good their bad and their ugly all of each of them. Some times I look at them and ask can that kid really be mine? sometimes I have looked at them and thought no that is their fathers child not mine!! Each one holds a very special gift that I can see so clearly when they walk in a room...and before the end of my trails I want them to know what treasure they are.

Its impossible for me to look back and not see such memories as the boys playing together in the back yard...hunting dinosaurs! Building forts making body noises that would make them laugh and laugh. How they looked out for each other and constant rumbled in the floor- When we visit family they would walk in the door and hung all the aunts uncles grandparents with such great smiles on their faces and then start punching and rolling in the floor. They were a team from pretty much day one. Russell came home to be Sam's little brother with a peace offering of a big wheel... He looked up to Sam and let Sam take care of him for such along time. They taught me things about life that I would've missed with out them in MY life. We became parents at a very young age (21,22) and pretty clueless to what that really meant. We learned as we went with our boys and often we missed it, or screwed it up, but we ALWAYS appreciated it. And so I raise a glass to toast Sam and Russell- what incredible young men you have become! You have both tested and pushed and proded yourselves to reach as far as you could. You both know what it is to start over - a couple of times- and thru that have taught us great self discipline and acceptance so that you could move forward. We would never want you to be the SAME you have NEVER been the same as each other. We want you to do whatever makes you feel successful in your own hearts because one thing I have learned .... trying to live a life to please someone else will never make you happy.

Sam's compassion and care is true to his role as oldest. Does he always embrace it? NO! Do I blame him NO! It is a hard role to fill. The oldest, you are covered with dreams and expectations of your parents and you have to show them.."um, this is my life mom and pop" but you do it with great love. We have never doubted that your greatest assett was to make us proud. That we matter that much makes you a very compassionate young man. You can be easily hurt but you can embrace life. Careful and cautious about the steps you take! and you ponder the "what if", you carry all the caution of two parents on one child! Arent you glad that you can now share it with three other siblings! thank you Sam for compassion and thoughtfulness. You know our likes, loves and dislikes. When you hear a song I might like you share it with me, when you know pop needs someone on his side your there for him. Thank you for your big heart!

Russell, has taught us SO much. Patience comes to mind first LOL! Patience from us and Patience for him with life. He always had it a bit easier, cause he wasnt the oldest! Its that simple! He got to be the youngest for 8 years. He was so quiet and fat! that I really do remember HEAVING him into his car seat in NC and giving Sam his "shirt" then looking at Russell and telling him, Russell, I will never let the world hurt you. He seemed so vulnerable to me. MEANWHILE he was watching and learning about all those personalities around him! And proved to be not vulnerable but a TESTER! and he was gonna teach me how far one could go in any direction- up, down, to the side really fast. You learned to ride your bike at age 3 or 4 (pop remembers this one not me)! Tiny tiny 2 wheeler and as you ride off as fast as your little chubby legs would go you yelled back "Pop, How do I stop" Thats how you did things-Full speed ahead and then ask!
The catch was you would always (and still are by family) a part of the "Sam - Russell" team! Now you have tested yourself and proven to yourself what you are capable of and you have great confidence in yourself...that spills over and over flows thru all of your areas of life. Your voice has calmed my heart often. Now you guide me thru the pains in my life with your words of rational confidence. That is going to be a gift to those in your life. Thank you for walking me thru some heart ache with the confidence that it is going to turn out alright.

Then 8 years later we grew again and had Morgan! I held her and repeated over and over "I have a daughter". I labored 5 days to finally end up with a C-section and she has continued to push her own direction ever since. It isnt easy being the oldest daughter no matter where you fall in the birth order. She, too, taught me that I have an inner strength I never wouldve found with out her. Morgan also wants to please to a fault (as women often will) and to her she deserves a toast! For the determination she has shown * It will blossom into great virtue for her and her future family. Morgan, thank you for all the success you have shared with your parents and know it will continue thru your college life. It completely blows me a way when she speaks a foriegn language. She can speak some Spanish, Italian, Latin (and this is one of my favorites because I believe it is the language of angels) She understand what it is to be a woman, a true feminine woman and brings great determination into the world. Thank you for being you!

Ryanne didnt bring Morgan a peace offering and Morgan didnt like the name Ryanne so she called her Hannah for about a month! Ryanne is the youngest and the youngest comes with great confidence of being loved. Not sure why that roll gets that grace, maybe because they get little else while the older ones are in high demand parts of their lives. Ryanne quietly let us drag and drive her to dance, ball games, school functions, aerobic classes- just made sure she had chocolate milk in her bottle and that she got chicken nuggets when she was hungry and she would play in boxes for hours and hours- she loved it when we had styrofom peanuts for her to bury herself in a "room". She hated shoes, loved "swimming" in a large mixing bowl, hated talking and chose to grunt or scream to get what she wanted. She had a favorite dress, a bike helment she wore every where and she even liked masks- and would sit in a box Knitting with an old man mask....and thru it all though we would laugh she knew she was loved. Now she has grown into a dancer and I see the great ballerina in her but nothing warms my heart more than when she sits at the piano and plays. As soon as her slender fingers touch the keys my heart melts and the mind rests from the days stress. And I say, can that be my kid reading music and playing piano? Thank you Ryanne for all the ENCREDIBLE confidence you have in life and your quiet gentle way of life.

Thank you all ! Thank you Bobby! and now lets make some more memories.