bucket lists and resolutions

the idea of bucket list is good...but only if you take time to really add to it and DREAM BIG!  and that is a resolution I have for 2010~ dream big, dream outta control!

but then to follow thru with that dream as close as possible.  Ideas this year will have to be inexpensive for sure! and will have a lot to do with health of mind body and heart (relationships).  I always thought myself to be a fairly strong person.  That if my husband passed away that I would be broken but able to step forward eventually.  After my recent episodes of panic/anxiety and total fear of being abandoned my strength was tested and failed.

Fear gripped my life quickly and so unexpectedly...fear to be without him, fear of not finding him, of him leaving me.  Where in the hell did it come from?

His heart beat next to mine was the only thing that would calm me enough to stop the insanity in my head.  Now it truly feels like it was insanity but at the time it was freakiin real!  Totally out of control and I hated every second of it.  

I saw an acupuncturist and weened myself off antidepressant.  Reduced my asthma meds and cleaned up my diet ALOT!  My husband helped me get out of the house and to the gym for good hard work outs.  He had to be next to me the whole time ~ that is SO ridiculous.

So my bucket list starts with meditation.  I want to start meditating again, and yoga.  My soul was screaming for the calm the two bring me.  Physically I am starting this year 30+ pounds lighter so I am already in the right mode...now gotta do it!