update!

dear friends!
I had had enough and even dear husband agreed...my last day of work was Jan. 14, 2010!
Thanks be to GOD!

now, as my money trinkles out of my account...our two very very old furnaces died on Saturday evening.  The two heating and air guys both said we were lucky the house hasnt burnt down...and we know that.  SO we will be purchasing new furnaces that are so eco friendly that our government is gonna give us a check back for purchasing them!

I havent felt creative at all lately. Actually I have felt mostly FROZEN! K+LOL, but think of you all often so when I see these little notes from you it is affirming that yall are still out there.   Missing you all and feeling a tad unappreciated was enough for me to cocoon up with wii and facebook.  actually causing more drying of brain waves

Guess the challenge will be to make a day in the life of an unemployed, under needed mother and renewing wife a bit interesting enough to share!....
Sooo tonight instead of farming on facebook, I will renew my blog looks for 2010 and start sharing. 

up why the hell am i up

we made it to the gym sunday and again monday!  It was pretty crowded monday though so we got split up.  I walked around and did the wieghts and got fat burning, ass building  elliptical workout as well.  But alone. 

At work I am in a room alone.  Occassionaly my boss will need to tell me something but not often.  I drive around doing errands alone, and then get home and home alone until 6.  Now we go to the gym and we have been able to talk while there but not yesterday.    Guess that is why I am up with rambling words wandering thru my head. 

Still bugged by the freakin cpap machine my dear uses

Monday it was below 30 degrees, my work has no heat and no hot water and monday it had no toilet as well!!  Toilet should be fixed today, temperatures outside will be a bit better, but I only know of one job in there for me to do so we are looking at maybe 3 to 4 hours of work....it is going to be a tiny paycheck.  Last week I had about 14 hours and this week looks same or less. 

My home has really been on my mind lately (since surviving panic attacks)  Not much of a decorator and not much of one at all when there is no money!  But we did just get some nice hardwood floors to put down on the sunroom floor.  think I will look at some sunroom pics...

bucket lists and resolutions

the idea of bucket list is good...but only if you take time to really add to it and DREAM BIG!  and that is a resolution I have for 2010~ dream big, dream outta control!

but then to follow thru with that dream as close as possible.  Ideas this year will have to be inexpensive for sure! and will have a lot to do with health of mind body and heart (relationships).  I always thought myself to be a fairly strong person.  That if my husband passed away that I would be broken but able to step forward eventually.  After my recent episodes of panic/anxiety and total fear of being abandoned my strength was tested and failed.

Fear gripped my life quickly and so unexpectedly...fear to be without him, fear of not finding him, of him leaving me.  Where in the hell did it come from?

His heart beat next to mine was the only thing that would calm me enough to stop the insanity in my head.  Now it truly feels like it was insanity but at the time it was freakiin real!  Totally out of control and I hated every second of it.  

I saw an acupuncturist and weened myself off antidepressant.  Reduced my asthma meds and cleaned up my diet ALOT!  My husband helped me get out of the house and to the gym for good hard work outs.  He had to be next to me the whole time ~ that is SO ridiculous.

So my bucket list starts with meditation.  I want to start meditating again, and yoga.  My soul was screaming for the calm the two bring me.  Physically I am starting this year 30+ pounds lighter so I am already in the right mode...now gotta do it!