She was good at Zuma

Listen, I am having a hard time finding the humor in my life right now.
A breathing vehicle going no where on a daily basis.
Used only when needed, much like the "extra" car we keep in case another one breaks or is in repair. No one actually likes to drive it, ever, regardless of their transportation woes
Entertained myself fairly well since this past January when I walked out of the dental lab
Managed to stir some creative juices in with some seasonal landscape clean ups,
Gave the front of our house a fresh, open face.
Lifted the spirit of several rooms…with as little cost as possible because we a now a single income house again.
About this time last year anxiety, real breath robbing anxiety struck.
Time, precious time with my soulmate, it seemed so much had been wasted.
My heart screamed to not let another minute drift by, we needed to know and explore each other, where had we been for the past 15 years, how did that much time go by with out a notice.
What if he died and left me, there is so much I don’t know and don’t understand and with held from him….how did that seem right to anyone but especially him.
The words would fly out of my heart to him, and he honestly tried to hold them but they seemed foreign. As much as my life is drawn from heart his is not! He can tell you all you ever wanted to know about just about anything except me. That doesn’t bother him…
Sharing a conversation with him for the past couple of evenings, he interrupted me to ask about the mail, and didn’t even notice, didn’t reflect before bed and ask, "hey, so how did the story end"
Lunch dates started around February. Wednesdays were dress up, make up. A day date to get my sexy, flirty self out for an hour.
We had only missed a couple only to make them up on the following Thursday. These were days to forget we had been married 32 years, that we had issues, simply days just to be him plus me. Some Wednesday mornings, not feeling particularly close, just before leaving for work he would ask, "Lunch today, right?"
Almost a month now, home computer, work programs, cars, you know consumed his mind. Puzzles are his addiction and any problem is a puzzle. I felt a bit snubbed but knew his mind well enough to know it wasn’t personal it was EINSTEIN.
This past week, a particularly hard week for my heart really realizing that after 30 years of daily parenting, our 4 children are now adults. No retirement package or silver clock commemorating my service, nothing actually, except a few tears as I carried in the 18 year old's birthday cake.
Don’t give anyone that shitty line about "once a parent always a parent" or "they will always need you to be their mother". I wasn’t that kind of mother, I raised them to take care of themselves, they are smart, and I hate kids that are spoiled attached life suckers. So they don’t "need" me and they don’t think of me as wise enough to sit and discuss their lives.
Well, Wednesday morning, Einstein walked right out the door with no comment about lunch. "no prob, it’s a given". I called him as I always do, to let him know I was on my way to get him but no answer. I left him a message, "hey, I am ready for lunch, but ummm maybe we arent having it today?"
He called me an hour later and had gone to get a car part at lunch and forgot about our date….
Detach, I must not be so attached to him or anyone because it only causes hurt. Importance of a human relationship…my reality says if you are not important to you spouse, well, fuck who are you important to?
Proof….nothing really matters. Shit, I gotta find some funny!