The last two weeks have been very hard emotionally and mostly due to my trying to muscle through like a tough girl that can do it herself. By Wednesday of last week my nerves were so violently rebelling against common sense and there was nothing i could do to make them stop. Completely irrational by Thursday night and all day Friday. I went into work and acted as normal as possible. Very quiet, shortness of breath, actually holding it for minutes at a time. Worked 4 hours on Friday for a friend when my Einstein called...
By the time I got home he was napping. He had gone to the sleep clinic again for the damn machine. There was hardly anything left of me as I curled up like a cat into his sleeping arms... something about our hearts beating against each other was so calming. I focused on my own breathing. Deep breaths... relief or confidence or ok'ness...began to take hold. I cried, and talked and explained AGAIN,
I know it is totally irrational but this damn machine is going to come between us. he said NO, it isn't irrational that is how I felt when the dog would sleep with us. OMG, my sister had called me weirdo, so strange, etc...but he understood... and had already taken steps to make it right.. And that was how the heart/mind healing began.
The thought of every being a widow had never frightened me. Einstein has taught me alot about taking care of business...my kids and "life" would be ok till we met in the great forever. This moment with our hearts beating against each other and his protective arms around me I knew I would always need him. What if that happened after he died, there is no other heart to set mine at peace...it may cause my heart to explode in fear.
A couple more total freak out fearful moments of "irrational" thinking that he only chuckled and held me.. it can make me cry now to think how painful it was being me for the last two or three weeks. We made a humongous step in understanding and connecting this weekend...
The hurt, the anxiety has left a shadow but it has healed much better than I imagined during the pain of it. Thank you God for know exactly who should be my husband. Thank you for this moment of life.
Beautifully written, Boots. I hope you are having a much better Monday. And yes, God did know who you needed to marry. I've always known that!
ReplyDeleteIt is the best thing when you find the right one. I hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteMnday's MeMe - One is not like the Others
Sounds like you found your " Sunny Side Up! Not a bad way to live.. Reject fear, reject jealousy, reject greed! Feelings of freedom and peace will wash over you like an elixir...
ReplyDeleteSometimes a little reassurance is all we need. This was a beautiful post. God knows exactly what we need! Being grateful for what we have goes a long way towards our emotional well-being. Sending you wishes for a wonderful day!
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